Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who Are Not His Wife
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
Photo by: Nevit Dilmen
For the past several years I have been following Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development blog, www.stevepavlina.com. I first stumbled across his blog about three years ago after typing in the words, “what is my life’s purpose,” into Google, whereupon I landed at this blog post. I was amazed at the virtual poetry of his writing style and loved the simplicity of the actual advice, which he boiled down into four simple steps:
Here’s what to do:
- Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
- Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
- Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
- Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.
After reading this article and getting inspired about the possibilities in my own life I found myself digesting reams and reams of his articles on a variety of topics that were unique, engaging, and enlightening. The most notable aspect of Pavlina’s blog is the sheer size of the thing. It has hundreds and hundreds of interesting articles. A lot of value for free. Pavlina inspired me to start this blog, and I used his suggestions and advice as to how to go about doing it.
Over the years, like many habits or interests, I found myself less mystified with Pavlina, especially when he took up a raw diet and seemed to post about his experiences in that area endlessly. Having a lot of experience with holistic nutrition and in the natural products industry, I’ve known many raw-foodists and my impression is that while consuming raw food should be an important component in our diet, going all-raw can be a bit extreme and the disciples of that mode of thought can at times appear a bit fanatical. Perhaps this was a warning sign.
That being said, I still read his other personal development articles with some level of interest and was reasonably excited when he announced that he would be publishing his first book in the fall of 2008. I even obtained an advanced press copy of the book, “Personal Development for Smart People,” in order to write a review of it on my blog. The enticing thing about writing a review of the book was that Steve promised to post links to reviewers’ blogs on his website, which receives many thousands of visits per day.
After getting my copy of the book I read it quickly and thoroughly. I can’t say it was easy to read quickly because not long after opening it did I realize that something within its pages wasn’t resonating with me. While I loved many of his personal development and entrepreneurialism blog posts, something was preventing me from connecting to his book and to this day I can’t exactly find the words to describe how I feel about it.
A former computer games programmer, Pavlina gives the impression that he lives his life as if it were some grand math problem or scientific experiment. That attitude towards life creates ample opportunity for writing about experiences and personal trials in a unique way, but ultimately in such a fashion that the replication of which would be impractical or impossible for many of us “regular people.”
An example: Pavlina writes several articles about the merits of “Polyphasic Sleep,” which basically entails abandoning the traditional method of sleeping 6-8 hours a night for a series of shorter naps throughout any given 24-hour period. The first thought I had while reading about this was, “cool,” given how he was able to come up with so much additional time to complete projects and be productive. The second thought I had was,”How the hell does his wife deal with him?,” knowing that my wife would never stand for me not going to bed with her and being up all hours of the night.
“Polyamory,” the Next Great Pursuit of Steve Pavlina
Which brings me to the point of my post. So Steve Pavlina’s wife, Erin, is also a blogger and the focus of her work is on Psychic Readings. He mentions her frequently in his blog and if you read Pavlina enough, you get the sense that you understand a little bit about how their relationship works.
Recently, however, Pavlina began writing about feeling unfulfilled in his marriage. That he had all of this “love” to give but felt that he couldn’t sufficiently express it within the context of a traditional monogamous marriage. This came as a surprise to me, but I was even more surprised when he announced to his readers this week that he was going to abandon his monogamous marriage for a “polyamorous” lifestyle, which basically entails opening up the marriage so he can have sex with other women. I mean, so he can share his “love” with other women.
On one level, I don’t want to be one to judge anybody else’s lifestyle choices, especially given the nature of my own blog, in which my objective here is to Quiet the Monkey Mind, the judgmental, chattering beast within who wants to make others wrong without seeing my flaws or lessons to be learned in my own life. On the other hand, I can’t help but experience some outrage and disgust, not necessarily with his choice, but with the blatant rationalizations and seemingly ego-guided reasons behind his decision. I am especially turned off by Pavlina’s justification of his decision to seek out sex (loving relationships) with women outside his marriage because he markets himself as a self-help guru who lives consciously and encourages others to do so, but this particular choice, when you dissect his rationalizations behind it, has very little to do with conscious living and just about everything do with trying to find ways to satisfy his sexual urges.
The other thing that really seems creepy about the whole thing is his unwillingness to accept that his two children (five and eight years old, respectively) might possibly be harmed by daddy’s new personal development project. Finally, there’s his wife, Erin, seemingly unwillingly placed in the middle of Steve’s latest escapade. He reports that she’s okay with his choice, but if you check out her blog here, you’ll find that she mentions nothing of this new “joint” decision to allow Stevie to wet his wick elsewhere. In fact, I would think that if his wife Erin were so on board with his latest endeavor, she would probably write a post about how she supports his choice and is excited about having sex with other men. But instead, what you will see is a post about her attempt to go on a raw-diet for 30 days (emulating her husband’s penchant for 30-day trials) with her apparent objective to shed some weight from her nearly 200-pound frame.
I mention Erin’s weight because this situation reminds me a bit of John and Elizabeth Edwards, in that there seemed to be such a mismatch in terms of physical appearances between these two that it seemed only logical that the better looking half of the partnership would be seeking out opportunities to share his “love” with women outside the marriage. When it was announced that John had in fact been involved with another woman, was anyone really that surprised, other than John-boy himself, who was probably so deluded by his own ego that he:
1) Thought what he was doing was okay, or
2) Thought he was so talented that he could get away with a clear no-no.
What does this have to do with Steve Pavlina and his wife, Erin? Well, if you’ve spent any time at all on his blog, you will notice that Steve writes frequently about diet, physical exercise, and overall nutrition. I wouldn’t exactly call the man a lady-killer, but he’s reasonably attractive and obviously physically fit. Then you see photos of Erin Pavlina, who clearly doesn’t embody the picture of personal fitness. I asked myself when I saw a recent picture of the two of them at some event with some other fauthors rom his publishing house, why this supposed master of personal development doesn’t coach his own wife to achieve a healthy weight? I instantly thought that there was a physical attraction mismatch within the relationship and it all suddenly made sense a few weeks later when Steve announced to the world that his next great experiment would be to spread his overwhelming love with other women within the context of sexual relationships.
My Take on What is Going On With Steve
The man is enjoying new levels of riches and fame with the publication of his debut book. He speaks all over the country at various seminars and events. Considering the demographics of the self-help market is dominated by women, undoubtedly he has inspired many women to change their lives for the better and has experienced the temptation of fulfilling his sexual desires with these many women who now look at him starry-eyed, as if he’s a master, a guru, with great knowledge and experience to endow upon others. I have seen this so many times, when men dispelling advice or coaching to women get caught up enmeshed in temptation. Fueled by his ego and the idea that he can do no wrong and justify all of his experiences as personal development challenges, he decides that there is a way to satisfy his carnal desires without having to go through a messy divorce, especially now that his assets are significantly greater than when he first hooked up with Erin. The classic “having your cake and eating it too” syndrome he could enact, masquerading as a noble desire to simply experience more love in the world, as if loving a wife and two kids were not enough. As if love could not be expressed by helping the homeless or ending hunger or starting a foundation, as if love expression only entailed penis insertion in new and exciting locales!
What bothers me most about his choice is again, not the choice itself. It’s the reasons behind the choice which I’ll go into greater detail now, addressing several of the points he makes in his lengthy diatribe defending his decision.
Dear Erin
He begins perhaps by speaking directly to his wife in a section labeled, “Hurt,” in which he celebrates hurt as a path towards greater love (so as to convince his wife and family that getting hurt by his choice will only lead to the expansion of their love):
Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?
Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.
Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on? The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too.
Translation: Honey, don’t you see that by allowing me to share my love with others, the hurt that you may experience is simply an opportunity for you to grow? Don’t you remember that you and I chose a path of growth, so shouldn’t you be excited by this new chance to expand your consciousness?
Allow the manipulation to commence. There is nothing conscious about intentionally hurting other people in the pursuit of your own growth.
Then, Steve goes further down this road, justifying causing others’ hurt as a method of staring down fear in the face, as if conquering fear, whatever the cost, is justifiable. Then he tips his hand a bit as to his true intentions, with a allusion to Scooby Doo that is simultaneously incredibly geeky and rather perverted:
It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.
But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.
You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.
This guy is a self-help guru?
Next, Steve goes on to discuss the institution of marriage, which he refers to as a “consciousness-lowering bugaboo,” and “some sort of disease.” Then, in an odd turn, he half-heartedly celebrates his own marriage:
That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.
Translation: You’re cool and all, honey, but really this marriage has been nothing more than a bullet on my “self-help guru” resume. How can I dispel advice to others on relationships if I haven’t been in one myself? Now that I have that block checked, I ‘m ready to parlay this marriage in to greater opportunities to sell my personal development services.
Next, in one of his more sickening rationalizations, Steve talks about his kids and family, saying that people who criticize his choice don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t personally know his five and eight-year old kids. He says:
Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.
Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.
My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.
Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.
Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.”
Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo,
Translation: Honey, you know how much our kids like to meet new people, just think of much they’ll grow and learn from the litany of strange people that I’ll be bringing home. They will get a real kick out of coming into my bed in the morning and making a game out of trying to guess what kind of lady daddy brought home last night. Plus, my polyamorous friends will be great play partners for our kids. Just think, you could get a lot of work done while my sex partners play with our children! Oh and by the way, I’m the smartest man on Earth.
By the way, I know that Halo is a pretty intense, violent video game and it personally disturbs me to know that a five-year old is playing a game like that. The last line is the kicker: my choice is right and if you question my choice my kids will laugh at you, which only backs up that I’m right! It is stunning to read this coming from a person who teaches a pursuit of higher consciousness. And by the way, why exactly should be “scared” about the fact that your children share your DNA. Do you know something we don’t, that you are an ego-maniac whose genes actually shouldn’t be spread? Or are you just so scary smart that more of you on the planet will tip the balance of humanity and existence itself in favor of the super-race you are creating? Odd comment, to say the least.
Next Steve plugs his tiresome book, by breaking down Polyamory according to the “Univeral Growth Principles” he identifies in “Personal Development for Smart People.”
Truth - Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception.
Real truth would be admitting to himself and the world that he is desperately trying to satisfy his sexual desires. Instead of practicing a little self-discipline (which he touts frequently in his other blog posts), he will create a situation in which he doesn’t have to lie or be deceitful to his wife about having sex with other women, and then gets to trumpet that noble decision as an expression of truth. In other words, he gets to dump his garbage on his wife and then call it being truthful, which he can later celebrate as an expression of virtue.
Love - Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core.
Real love would be to set his wife and family free from his sexual cravings. The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language, like calling a nuclear missile a “Peacekeeper.” Yes, it may have kept the world out of some conflicts, but to call a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the Earth dozens of times over a Peacekeeper is a bit of linguistic gymnastics. Knowing how difficult it is to grow and maintain the loves in my life (my wife, child, unborn child, and extended family) the thought of complicating life with more people, emotions, and expectations is mind-boggling. The only way I could see it working is for it truly just be about the sex because there’s no real way for a man to fully be present and in the state of love at all times with multiple women. It’s hard enough to manage one’s job and one’s wife, or to juggle giving love and affection to both a child and a spouse. Steve essentially equates love with sex, and while love certainly can involve sex, it is perfectly possible to express love without intercourse. A guy with his influence and reach and many millions of readers could expand love in the world in a myriad of ways. Sleeping with other women is just that, sleeping with other women.
Power - Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.
I honestly don’t know how to tackle this one, he’s just so off base. I’m not sure how sleeping around develops self-discipline. Weren’t many of the great masters celebate, anyway?
Courage (Love + Power) - Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage.
Real courage would be having the balls to divorce his wife and face the possibility of losing his wealth and his family in pursuit of his desire to have sex with many women. Steve is a skilled communicator (manipulator) for sure, who would rather attempt to convince his poor wife that this is a great choice so he doesn’t have to gather up the courage to make a choice that might be uncomfortable and costly, both financially and emotionally.
There’s a lot more to rail on about in his blog post, but I’ll wrap it up here for now. But first, one last point from Steve that simply can’t go without commentary:
My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.
Um, ever heard of messiah/martyr complex? Hey Steve, newsflash: living out your sexual fantasies doesn’t make you Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, MLK, JFK, or RFK. I guess literally spreading his seed is a legacy to humanity, perhaps in the form of more little Stevies running around as a result of this experiment, but come on, isn’t this comment going a bit too far in the category of adoration of self? Steve - you’re sticking your willie in lots of places, not feeding the masses!
Finally, a man supposedly dedicated to oneness, openness, and consciousness refuses to engage in any sort of debate over the merits of his decision. As if he knows the law and questioning of the law will result in expulsion from the school of personal development:
I recommend that the people who [disagree with his choice] should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.
Translation: I know what consciousness is and you don’t. If you don’t agree with me, that just means you haven’t “gotten it” yet and need to start over on your path.
In some circles, we would call this type of thinking the markers of a “Cult of Personality,” wherein the Supreme Leader knows the laws and creates the laws by whatever actions he wishes to engage in. Disagreement results in ridicule, accusations of lack of consciousness, banishment, or worse.
The last thing I’ll say about this today is, Steve, there’s a resource for people like you and it’s not the “Polyamory” community. It’s called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and their website is right here. And guess what, you don’t have to pay some self-trained personal development guru to help you. It’s absolutely free.
And if that doesn’t work, get a puppy.
P.S. Unlike Mr. Pavlina, I welcome debate on this subject. I look forward to reading your comments.
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