Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who Are Not His Wife
Photo by: Nevit Dilmen
For the past several years I have been following Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development blog, www.stevepavlina.com. I first stumbled across his blog about three years ago after typing in the words, “what is my life’s purpose,” into Google, whereupon I landed at this blog post. I was amazed at the virtual poetry of his writing style and loved the simplicity of the actual advice, which he boiled down into four simple steps:
Here’s what to do:
- Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
- Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
- Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
- Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.
After reading this article and getting inspired about the possibilities in my own life I found myself digesting reams and reams of his articles on a variety of topics that were unique, engaging, and enlightening. The most notable aspect of Pavlina’s blog is the sheer size of the thing. It has hundreds and hundreds of interesting articles. A lot of value for free. Pavlina inspired me to start this blog, and I used his suggestions and advice as to how to go about doing it.
Over the years, like many habits or interests, I found myself less mystified with Pavlina, especially when he took up a raw diet and seemed to post about his experiences in that area endlessly. Having a lot of experience with holistic nutrition and in the natural products industry, I’ve known many raw-foodists and my impression is that while consuming raw food should be an important component in our diet, going all-raw can be a bit extreme and the disciples of that mode of thought can at times appear a bit fanatical. Perhaps this was a warning sign.
That being said, I still read his other personal development articles with some level of interest and was reasonably excited when he announced that he would be publishing his first book in the fall of 2008. I even obtained an advanced press copy of the book, “Personal Development for Smart People,” in order to write a review of it on my blog. The enticing thing about writing a review of the book was that Steve promised to post links to reviewers’ blogs on his website, which receives many thousands of visits per day.
After getting my copy of the book I read it quickly and thoroughly. I can’t say it was easy to read quickly because not long after opening it did I realize that something within its pages wasn’t resonating with me. While I loved many of his personal development and entrepreneurialism blog posts, something was preventing me from connecting to his book and to this day I can’t exactly find the words to describe how I feel about it.
A former computer games programmer, Pavlina gives the impression that he lives his life as if it were some grand math problem or scientific experiment. That attitude towards life creates ample opportunity for writing about experiences and personal trials in a unique way, but ultimately in such a fashion that the replication of which would be impractical or impossible for many of us “regular people.”
An example: Pavlina writes several articles about the merits of “Polyphasic Sleep,” which basically entails abandoning the traditional method of sleeping 6-8 hours a night for a series of shorter naps throughout any given 24-hour period. The first thought I had while reading about this was, “cool,” given how he was able to come up with so much additional time to complete projects and be productive. The second thought I had was,”How the hell does his wife deal with him?,” knowing that my wife would never stand for me not going to bed with her and being up all hours of the night.
“Polyamory,” the Next Great Pursuit of Steve Pavlina
Which brings me to the point of my post. So Steve Pavlina’s wife, Erin, is also a blogger and the focus of her work is on Psychic Readings. He mentions her frequently in his blog and if you read Pavlina enough, you get the sense that you understand a little bit about how their relationship works.
Recently, however, Pavlina began writing about feeling unfulfilled in his marriage. That he had all of this “love” to give but felt that he couldn’t sufficiently express it within the context of a traditional monogamous marriage. This came as a surprise to me, but I was even more surprised when he announced to his readers this week that he was going to abandon his monogamous marriage for a “polyamorous” lifestyle, which basically entails opening up the marriage so he can have sex with other women. I mean, so he can share his “love” with other women.
On one level, I don’t want to be one to judge anybody else’s lifestyle choices, especially given the nature of my own blog, in which my objective here is to Quiet the Monkey Mind, the judgmental, chattering beast within who wants to make others wrong without seeing my flaws or lessons to be learned in my own life. On the other hand, I can’t help but experience some outrage and disgust, not necessarily with his choice, but with the blatant rationalizations and seemingly ego-guided reasons behind his decision. I am especially turned off by Pavlina’s justification of his decision to seek out sex (loving relationships) with women outside his marriage because he markets himself as a self-help guru who lives consciously and encourages others to do so, but this particular choice, when you dissect his rationalizations behind it, has very little to do with conscious living and just about everything do with trying to find ways to satisfy his sexual urges.
The other thing that really seems creepy about the whole thing is his unwillingness to accept that his two children (five and eight years old, respectively) might possibly be harmed by daddy’s new personal development project. Finally, there’s his wife, Erin, seemingly unwillingly placed in the middle of Steve’s latest escapade. He reports that she’s okay with his choice, but if you check out her blog here, you’ll find that she mentions nothing of this new “joint” decision to allow Stevie to wet his wick elsewhere. In fact, I would think that if his wife Erin were so on board with his latest endeavor, she would probably write a post about how she supports his choice and is excited about having sex with other men. But instead, what you will see is a post about her attempt to go on a raw-diet for 30 days (emulating her husband’s penchant for 30-day trials) with her apparent objective to shed some weight from her nearly 200-pound frame.
I mention Erin’s weight because this situation reminds me a bit of John and Elizabeth Edwards, in that there seemed to be such a mismatch in terms of physical appearances between these two that it seemed only logical that the better looking half of the partnership would be seeking out opportunities to share his “love” with women outside the marriage. When it was announced that John had in fact been involved with another woman, was anyone really that surprised, other than John-boy himself, who was probably so deluded by his own ego that he:
1) Thought what he was doing was okay, or
2) Thought he was so talented that he could get away with a clear no-no.
What does this have to do with Steve Pavlina and his wife, Erin? Well, if you’ve spent any time at all on his blog, you will notice that Steve writes frequently about diet, physical exercise, and overall nutrition. I wouldn’t exactly call the man a lady-killer, but he’s reasonably attractive and obviously physically fit. Then you see photos of Erin Pavlina, who clearly doesn’t embody the picture of personal fitness. I asked myself when I saw a recent picture of the two of them at some event with some other fauthors rom his publishing house, why this supposed master of personal development doesn’t coach his own wife to achieve a healthy weight? I instantly thought that there was a physical attraction mismatch within the relationship and it all suddenly made sense a few weeks later when Steve announced to the world that his next great experiment would be to spread his overwhelming love with other women within the context of sexual relationships.
My Take on What is Going On With Steve
The man is enjoying new levels of riches and fame with the publication of his debut book. He speaks all over the country at various seminars and events. Considering the demographics of the self-help market is dominated by women, undoubtedly he has inspired many women to change their lives for the better and has experienced the temptation of fulfilling his sexual desires with these many women who now look at him starry-eyed, as if he’s a master, a guru, with great knowledge and experience to endow upon others. I have seen this so many times, when men dispelling advice or coaching to women get caught up enmeshed in temptation. Fueled by his ego and the idea that he can do no wrong and justify all of his experiences as personal development challenges, he decides that there is a way to satisfy his carnal desires without having to go through a messy divorce, especially now that his assets are significantly greater than when he first hooked up with Erin. The classic “having your cake and eating it too” syndrome he could enact, masquerading as a noble desire to simply experience more love in the world, as if loving a wife and two kids were not enough. As if love could not be expressed by helping the homeless or ending hunger or starting a foundation, as if love expression only entailed penis insertion in new and exciting locales!
What bothers me most about his choice is again, not the choice itself. It’s the reasons behind the choice which I’ll go into greater detail now, addressing several of the points he makes in his lengthy diatribe defending his decision.
Dear Erin
He begins perhaps by speaking directly to his wife in a section labeled, “Hurt,” in which he celebrates hurt as a path towards greater love (so as to convince his wife and family that getting hurt by his choice will only lead to the expansion of their love):
Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?
Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.
Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on? The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too.
Translation: Honey, don’t you see that by allowing me to share my love with others, the hurt that you may experience is simply an opportunity for you to grow? Don’t you remember that you and I chose a path of growth, so shouldn’t you be excited by this new chance to expand your consciousness?
Allow the manipulation to commence. There is nothing conscious about intentionally hurting other people in the pursuit of your own growth.
Then, Steve goes further down this road, justifying causing others’ hurt as a method of staring down fear in the face, as if conquering fear, whatever the cost, is justifiable. Then he tips his hand a bit as to his true intentions, with a allusion to Scooby Doo that is simultaneously incredibly geeky and rather perverted:
It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.
But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.
You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.
This guy is a self-help guru?
Next, Steve goes on to discuss the institution of marriage, which he refers to as a “consciousness-lowering bugaboo,” and “some sort of disease.” Then, in an odd turn, he half-heartedly celebrates his own marriage:
That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.
Translation: You’re cool and all, honey, but really this marriage has been nothing more than a bullet on my “self-help guru” resume. How can I dispel advice to others on relationships if I haven’t been in one myself? Now that I have that block checked, I ‘m ready to parlay this marriage in to greater opportunities to sell my personal development services.
Next, in one of his more sickening rationalizations, Steve talks about his kids and family, saying that people who criticize his choice don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t personally know his five and eight-year old kids. He says:
Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.
Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.
My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.
Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.
Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.”
Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo,
Translation: Honey, you know how much our kids like to meet new people, just think of much they’ll grow and learn from the litany of strange people that I’ll be bringing home. They will get a real kick out of coming into my bed in the morning and making a game out of trying to guess what kind of lady daddy brought home last night. Plus, my polyamorous friends will be great play partners for our kids. Just think, you could get a lot of work done while my sex partners play with our children! Oh and by the way, I’m the smartest man on Earth.
By the way, I know that Halo is a pretty intense, violent video game and it personally disturbs me to know that a five-year old is playing a game like that. The last line is the kicker: my choice is right and if you question my choice my kids will laugh at you, which only backs up that I’m right! It is stunning to read this coming from a person who teaches a pursuit of higher consciousness. And by the way, why exactly should be “scared” about the fact that your children share your DNA. Do you know something we don’t, that you are an ego-maniac whose genes actually shouldn’t be spread? Or are you just so scary smart that more of you on the planet will tip the balance of humanity and existence itself in favor of the super-race you are creating? Odd comment, to say the least.
Next Steve plugs his tiresome book, by breaking down Polyamory according to the “Univeral Growth Principles” he identifies in “Personal Development for Smart People.”
Truth – Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception.
Real truth would be admitting to himself and the world that he is desperately trying to satisfy his sexual desires. Instead of practicing a little self-discipline (which he touts frequently in his other blog posts), he will create a situation in which he doesn’t have to lie or be deceitful to his wife about having sex with other women, and then gets to trumpet that noble decision as an expression of truth. In other words, he gets to dump his garbage on his wife and then call it being truthful, which he can later celebrate as an expression of virtue.
Love – Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core.
Real love would be to set his wife and family free from his sexual cravings. The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language, like calling a nuclear missile a “Peacekeeper.” Yes, it may have kept the world out of some conflicts, but to call a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the Earth dozens of times over a Peacekeeper is a bit of linguistic gymnastics. Knowing how difficult it is to grow and maintain the loves in my life (my wife, child, unborn child, and extended family) the thought of complicating life with more people, emotions, and expectations is mind-boggling. The only way I could see it working is for it truly just be about the sex because there’s no real way for a man to fully be present and in the state of love at all times with multiple women. It’s hard enough to manage one’s job and one’s wife, or to juggle giving love and affection to both a child and a spouse. Steve essentially equates love with sex, and while love certainly can involve sex, it is perfectly possible to express love without intercourse. A guy with his influence and reach and many millions of readers could expand love in the world in a myriad of ways. Sleeping with other women is just that, sleeping with other women.
Power – Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.
I honestly don’t know how to tackle this one, he’s just so off base. I’m not sure how sleeping around develops self-discipline. Weren’t many of the great masters celebate, anyway?
Courage (Love + Power) – Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage.
Real courage would be having the balls to divorce his wife and face the possibility of losing his wealth and his family in pursuit of his desire to have sex with many women. Steve is a skilled communicator (manipulator) for sure, who would rather attempt to convince his poor wife that this is a great choice so he doesn’t have to gather up the courage to make a choice that might be uncomfortable and costly, both financially and emotionally.
There’s a lot more to rail on about in his blog post, but I’ll wrap it up here for now. But first, one last point from Steve that simply can’t go without commentary:
My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.
Um, ever heard of messiah/martyr complex? Hey Steve, newsflash: living out your sexual fantasies doesn’t make you Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, MLK, JFK, or RFK. I guess literally spreading his seed is a legacy to humanity, perhaps in the form of more little Stevies running around as a result of this experiment, but come on, isn’t this comment going a bit too far in the category of adoration of self? Steve – you’re sticking your willie in lots of places, not feeding the masses!
Finally, a man supposedly dedicated to oneness, openness, and consciousness refuses to engage in any sort of debate over the merits of his decision. As if he knows the law and questioning of the law will result in expulsion from the school of personal development:
I recommend that the people who [disagree with his choice] should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.
Translation: I know what consciousness is and you don’t. If you don’t agree with me, that just means you haven’t “gotten it” yet and need to start over on your path.
In some circles, we would call this type of thinking the markers of a “Cult of Personality,” wherein the Supreme Leader knows the laws and creates the laws by whatever actions he wishes to engage in. Disagreement results in ridicule, accusations of lack of consciousness, banishment, or worse.
The last thing I’ll say about this today is, Steve, there’s a resource for people like you and it’s not the “Polyamory” community. It’s called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and their website is right here. And guess what, you don’t have to pay some self-trained personal development guru to help you. It’s absolutely free.
And if that doesn’t work, get a puppy.
P.S. Unlike Mr. Pavlina, I welcome debate on this subject. I look forward to reading your comments.
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Thanks, Ishina!
Your response is very helpful and I appreciate it.
“You can’t just judge him when you don’t even know him for real”. Andrew, post #18.
How many people did actually know Hitler, Michael Jackson or Kennedy for real? Why then we judge them still today?
By the way, Mr. Pavlina is a guy who calls nazi to chicken-eaters and loves to see himself as a nature-lover person, and then lives in a six-bedroom house with swimming pool in Las Vegas, going everywhere by car. I call that HYPOCRISY.
You’re very welcome
Hi Rachel, Ishina,
I would have to agree with Rachel’s assessment. Very astute! It’s something we’ve certainly thought about when seeing pictures of the man himself, but haven’t put into words.
Personally, I have always been skeptical of the raw diet. I just don’t believe it is something that works for all humans. Most raw people I’ve met appear to be somewhat unhealthy. Steve looks pasty, a little round in the face, and does not in any way exude impressions of healthiness.
Apparently he will be charging 300 dollars for a new product (DVDs I think) He told one of his forum posters who was inquiring about the steep price that 300 dollars is a “pittance” that “any committed twelve year old can earn.”
I am sorry, but to say that to anyone at any time, but especially given the current state of the economy, and not knowing anything about that particular poster’s circumstances, I can hardly think of a crueler or more insensitive thing to say to anyone.
Good evening!
I am glad that the conversation continues to drag on
@The Monkey: Whether or not the raw foods diet makes people really healthy is debatable still. I am not convinced after the last reads I enjoyed on the topic of nutrition. Plants own numerous mechanisms to protect themselves against enemies out there in nature – it’s a fight for survival. Therefore, plants develop means to destroy digestion of enemies or taste so bad that they wouldn’t be eaten at all. If edible, they are so for a reason – spreading of the seeds.
While fruit and some vegetables are easily digestible and do many people very good if enjoy raw, most plant foods are hard to enjoy and digest in their raw state. They need to be prepared (often in numerous ways) to become edible for humankind. It always has been this way and raw foodists somehow neglect that this is a natural thing to happen. They somehow overlook the fact that this was the only way humankind could get so large in numbers – if we were still to eat what grows on trees in its natural state, there would not be enough food to ensure the life of billions of us – high-yield wheat, rice and potatoes are amongst the reasons why populations like the Chinese or the Indians can even exist.
Raw foodism is mainly a creation of the modern society – there are few traditionally raw communities (David Wolfe writes about one in Iran) – most used and still use to prepare food in order to make it ideally edible and digestible. Food is cooked for a reason. I now begin to understand this – raw foodists often deny to accept some plains truth when it comes to nutrition. I respect their movement but am in high doubt whether or not this is a healthy means of nutrition for everybody, regardless of his intolerances and digestive weaknesses.
Raw foodists not always look better or healthier than the average health-conscious person eating what he or she loves to eat. Looks are a question of mind-set and nutrition alike – and I find many raw foodists lacking the mind-set part – while they try to act like persons of deep inner peace and say that they resonate love wherever they go, they often have a hard time maintaining this way of acting when amongst people who do not share their beliefs.
There is a popular saying: “If you want to see, how a person really is: Provide him with power.” Most raw food gurus have proven to become corrupt when provided with power – like most people do.
As for Steve, he does not necessarily look healthier than the average guy. What I miss with Steve is the sparkling brightness in his eyes when he goes forth and talks about manifesting abundance (as he does in his newest video series, watch here: http://bit.ly/VFaDV). He does not really impersonate the passion he is talking about. I have mixed feeling about Anthony Robbins, but he sure does a good job when it comes to the spark of passion emanating from his words.
Steve is a professional smooth talker, but not a overly passionate person. Not a real leader. This is not his life purpose, I guess. His position would be the one of a beta-male – a think-tank with great ideas to aid the alpha-males take the right decisions while doing their work. I do not feel that this would be a set-back for him – it is more of a contribution than he currently does.
@Rachel: This is an issue which keeps on bugging me not only about Steve but about the online gurus in general. There are so many (probably knowledgeable) people out there who want to sell their knowledge for money. While I technically accept that this is a fair exchange, I do not think that this is the mind-set a true contributor should carry with him or her. Often do I find resources online talking about ‘free information’ about some new insights in a particular field of knowledge – only to find my mouth watered and left off with a link to a pricey product the author wants to sell — it was a sales pitch after all.
When I learned about the internet marketing business, I was really motivated to earn my money by spreading my knowledge and letting everybody know how good and knowledgeable I am. I thought this would be the golden path towards becoming a great contributor.
Soon enough I shifted my mind-set. Something from within hindered me from following this path and up to this day I am ready to distance myself 100% from the model of making money online – at least by means of selling online products. The reason I did so was the fact that I found out that I tended to fixate on the money only and gradually forgot about the contribution aspect of my work. I started to choose topics and keywords in a manner that would drive the most traffic and thereby customers instead of doing what I intended to do back then – provide information that should help people in their lives.
I feel that true contribution should be free, if done anonymously via a medium like the internet. I am perfectly okay with charging personal coaching, because this is work you do for a person specifically. For any contributor, this should be the primary source of income. I am convinced that every contributor is able to attract customers enough, even without closed-source information material one has to pay for.
Maybe I am too much of an idealist in this manner, but still I will stand my ground when it comes to the nature of contribution. I would suggest that you offer personal coaching, do a good video session and write a book – and sell them as hard goods (e-video and e-books are okay as an alternative, but not as the main intention). Probably even a book and DVD are too much of a lure.
Do not let yourself become corrupt by the oh so sweet scent of money. Do not withdraw information from your contribution in order to promote your goods. Do not publish information for the sole purpose of promotion.
Be honest with the world and the world will be honest with you. I believe in this ultimate consequence.
As a faithful person, I have no doubt that there ultimately will be enough for everyone to not only survive but prosper and bloom for a lifetime.
Let’s do likewise
Ishina, I love your reply, so balanced and fair.
I think that Steve’s choices and changes in his personality are just part of his growth. Yes it pushes my buttons how he has changed so much, I first found him with his creation reality stuff, he was so out there for a blogger I loved it but I’ve moved away coz I don’t vibe with him any more, may be coz I get an odd vibe about his rship stuff, not sure why but you know we all have to learn and sometimes its doing strange things (to others’ points of view). Hey even making ‘mistakes’ whatever they are, pain may ensure and you learn what feels good or doesn’t. Maybe Steve was sexually inexperienced when he married Erin, as she was, and he’s feeling like he wants to sow his wild oats. At least there was no dishonesty there…
Raw foods: I remember in the late 70s being so adamant that food caused disease and ppl thought I was loony, still remember that and how strang that was because that became the general world belief slowly over time but for me I also moved on and believe that its what I believe about the food that is more important than actually what I eat. Thing is trying to work out what exactly do I believe about foods I eat, that’s where the fun begins!
I’m finding the replies here fascinating!
Warm hugs
Lise :^)
I have to second #7’s post… irrespective of this specific case with Pavlina, your clear lack of understanding of polyamory leaves too much irony and not enough understanding in your post. For starters, polyamory is no more oxymoronic than your concept of “spiritual divorce”.
Rachel, I so agree with you about the insensitivity of Steve’s comment that $300 is nothing. Not only that but the DVDs are of the workshop he recently led and the charge is near what it cost to attend. He’s charging the same amount for the DVDs to the people who took the workshop–the “actors”! I hope they gave permission to be filmed. At the very least they should get a good discount if not get the DVDs for free, after all they ARE the content! And who has 3 days to watch a video? (Would he say 3 days is nothing and a committed 12-year-old could come up with the time?) You’d have to pay me to watch. Editing it down to highlights would add value imho.
Ishina, that’s a wise post about giving things away and charging only for personal coaching!
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful words!!
You all are so wise and caring.
To me it’s useful conversations like this one that epitomize genuine personal development.
Thank you all very much for your kind words.
Still, we are all imperfect and yet I feel that conversations like this carry us further into the right direction.
Just never stop to critically evaluating so-called truths popularized by others.
I wonder if Steve is scrambling for money. I think Erin was raking it in with her readings and now Steve is probably missing her income and having to pay child support to boot.
There are some great responses here and I’m happy to see the discussion has picked up steam. But I’m sorry to say that I’m not as liberal with Steve’s outlook as some here. Also I’m not the kind of person to seek advice from inexperienced individuals. The more Steve writes the more ignorant he shows himself to be. I was searching out 111 phenomenon that I experience daily and came across his forum. Right away I see the Nazi egg eaters bit and the
rest is history. You can read my post in the Nazi egg thread and the “ten reasons you should never get a job”. You will see why I was banned for trolling….LOL Soon after Steve wrote this.
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2009/09/free-speech-in-online-communities-the-delusion-of-entitlement/
I guess I hit a nerve…..I find it ironic he uses the term of self entitlement….lol I was contacted via E-Mail by a few of his members as to why I was banned.
So I’m guessing there was some questions for my ban which promoted him to respond. I don’t know what’s funnier, guys like Pavlina thinking they actually have something to contribute to society, or people that believe that they do. There would be more credibility in their words if they weren’t saying things
while wearing $2,000.00 dollar suits and driving $60,000.00 dollar cars and living million dollar McMansions. Don’t get me wrong, they have every right to earn a living, the best they can, it’s the American way. Just don’t do it under a flag of lies and deceit. Steve advice is deviant at best and destructive at worse.
It’s the case of do as I say, not as I do. There are people that are lost in life and will blindly follow those that promise to cure all there woes. Pavlina is an insult to the working class, to people of faith, to nutritionist and to Fathers, to name a few. This is a guy who writes.
“A man who claims his #1 commitment in life is his relationship partner (or his family) is either too
dishonest or too weak to be trusted. His loyalties are misplaced. A man who values individuals above
his own integrity is a wretch, not a free thinker.”
This guy is speaking on dishonesty and trust and loyalties…..LOL….It takes a strong and loyal man to put his Family first.
It;s a weak and dishonest man that puts them at the end of the line. But we know were his loyalties lie….
But in plain English he is saying, think of yourself first, you before your loved ones, your children….Ah…sounds selfish to me.
But go on his forum and say this, see how fast you get the boot.
This guy thinks that bringing strangers into his wife’s bedroom will be a good experiences and a way for his children to meet new and interesting people….
And now thinks that his divorce will be an adventure for his kids…..This guy is teaching people life lessons……Do you see a pattern emerging?
How Steve explains away his deviant behavior with slick reasoning and rationalization. It’s like this, I hirer a plumber to fix some pipes in my house.
I ask the plumber what he will do with the money he earns from me today. He replies, some of the money will go to beer and cigarettes.
Now I know these are bad for him so I won’t pay him the money he has earned, for his own good. You see, I’m keeping him from killinghimself so I’m doing the right thing buy not giving him his money. And that’s how I justify the wrong thing to satisfy my own conscious. This is an example BTW.
As for Steve being honest about his divorce from Erin. Don’t confuse honesty with damage control, his life is such an open book he had no choice but to tell it first. It would have come out sooner then later. I submit that it is Pavlina that needs some life lessons, and shouldn’t be tellinganyone at all how to live or succeed in life. If he has shown anything, it’s what a failure he is at his own life.
As for his physical prowess, he is sickly and pale looking. He has Grey teeth and sunken eyes with dark circles. He has no lean muscle, you only have to look
at his hands and forearms to see he does no physical activity at all and what a soft lifestyle he has.
ishina wrote: “Raw food diet and muscle building are perfectly agreeable. Muscle tissue needs protein to grow and the body needs fats for
fuel and carbohydrates for the anabolic stimulus. However, raw foods do not help if your workout is unable to produce good results.”
Good analysis but your forgetting that insulin is required for anabolic stimulus. Amino acids are required to produce insulin. Amino acids come
from many different kinds of food, but most notably, meat proteins, dairy proteins. These are complex amino acids, without them your body cannot
function the way it needs to. So without major supplementation you could not build quality muscle. So Raw food diet is only agreeable when supplemented.
As to Steve’s insensitive response about $300 dollars for what ever he is selling, did you expect anything different. He’s like any good used car salesman.
And in the spirit of Pavlina’s ten reasons, here are ten of my own……
Ten Reasons Steve and Erin Pavlina are getting a Divorce.
10. Erin’s constantly compares L.Ron Hubbard book sales to Steve’s
9. Steve using Erin’s steamy poster of Tony Robbins for dart practice
the last straw.
8. Erin didn’t see this coming, or did she.
7. Steve uses Erin’s Wigi Board planchette to play spin the bottle with Guru
Skanks.
6. Steve wanted his kids to experience the California Justice system first hand.
5. Erin didn’t realize when Steve was blogging about free love and acceptance, that
included the neighbors.
4. Erin uses psychic ability and always gives away the ending to every movie.
3. Erin subscription to Bon Appetit magazine leaves no room for Steve playboy in the mailbox.
2. Erin can’t stand the fact that Steve isn’t a real man and won’t get a real job.
1. Steve can’t look Erin in the face ever since she predicted the end of the world in 2013.
Brickman! The Top Ten list is classic. Hilarious. Thanks for posting!
Hey Brickman!
I love your reply! You’re hitting the nail when it comes to how Steve is acting concerning numerous issues. I second The Monkey: The Top-10-List is hilarious!
Thanks for the good laugh
One thing, though: Insulin is dependent on blood sugar levels primarily, the ingestion of amino acids alone is unable to spike the hormone. Amino acids are the foundation of body tissue, so still they are needed. Raw foods yield only little amounts of amino acids so the body is more or less forced to stop muscle building. But still, raw foodists not only live but some of them do really well on this diet. Others cripple themselves by going raw, however.
One thing about Steve as well: I wonder if he just is not the person who wants to really work in a ‘normal’ job. His disgust for regular work is frightening somehow. Still I wonder if he is able to really make a meaningful contribution by what he does. Some of his writing and audio recording is great, I have to agree.
He is more like an artist. There are great works, but also failures amongst his legacy. I think he should continue with what he does – because speaking in front of people and writing articles is surely what he is doing best.
In love for life
Simon
I,m happy to provide the chuckle, when I can. Glad you guys enjoyed in the spirit it was giving.
ishina wrote: One thing, though: Insulin is dependent on blood sugar levels primarily, the ingestion of amino acids alone is unable to spike the hormone. Amino acids are the foundation of body tissue, so still they are needed. Raw foods yield only little amounts of amino acids so the body is more or less forced to stop muscle building. But still, raw foodists not only live but some of them do really well on this diet. Others cripple themselves by going raw, however.
Excellent analysis and completely accurate. It’s much more complicated then we could cover here, but you hit it dead on. it’s a cycle that relies on every aspect to be complete, otherwise it’s an incomplete cycle. Hormones, blood sugar level and Amino acids all rely on a complete balance.
As for Steve, the best analogy I can think of for comparison would be an artist or athlete. Let’s use a baseball player. When a guy first picks up a glove, he plays for the love of the game. He’s full of ambition and dreams. Then a transformation takes place, it’s called a paycheck. The minute money gets involved there is a new love. That kid that had catches in the backyard with his Dad and loved the game, loved the smell of his glove is gone. Replaced with a greedy marquee player who only cares about the next contract. Wishy washy I know, but sadly the truth. The expression of an artist who paints or writes from love is much different from those that do for necessity. Steve may have started out with the best of intentions, full of idealism and may have even believed in what he was writing. But now it’s all about the money, and it shows. He’s all about the shock factor. I thought the Nazi egg eaters was actually a joke article. When I realized he was portraying it as a genuine thought, I realized right away what a snake oil salesman he was. I had know respect for his writing and took nothing else he wrote as serious journalism. First impressions and all. I tried on several occasions to engage him in meaningful conversations, to no avail. I searched many of his replies to find that most if not all were flip and ignorant responses.
ishina He is more like an artist. There are great works, but also failures amongst his legacy. I think he should continue with what he does – because speaking in front of people and writing articles is surely what he is doing best.
This is were I have to respectfully disagree with you. The use of the word artist liken to Pavlina.
A genuine artist, painter, writer, musician, athlete, no matter what type of artist. Nor how outlandish their political or social beliefs maybe, don’t lose site of their love. Their art can still be seen and heard in what they say and do. Their social and political beliefs don’t over shadow their creativity. A liken Steve to someone like Perez Hilton, who’s only value is shock value. That’s as deep as that pool maybe.
Just my opinion
Brickman,
I respect your disagreement and see your point. An artist has stopped being an artist that very moment the transition of interest goes from art to money – as you explained with the baseball player example.
Steve is intoxicated with the thought about money. A feeling that I know too well, as I explained before.
Once you’re all about the money, your contributing force seizes to exist. Sad but true
@ 58
I don’t really see any judgment in the blog or any of the comments after really about polyamory. i think the initial criticism was the viewpoint from which steve approached polyamory from. he didn’t seem to be moving towards the lifestyle because he wanted to share his life and love with others, he seemed to moving towards from an entirely selfish, shallow viewpoint. what i gathered from the author was that the problem was steve’s motivation behind the move. there was no value judgment made on polyamory, as far as i can see. and if there was, i’m certain it wasn’t the intention of the author [or authors].
Eww! I just saw this on Steve’s Twitter feed:
“A nice way to experience a sense of oneness is to enjoy physical touch, hugging, cuddling, etc. w/ another willing person.”
Any volunteers?
yuk.
Thanks Olivia. You hit the nail on the head. I could care less about what Steve does with his personal life, but in this case it was more about his tone and self-delusional rationalizations that many people had a problem with.
There’s no doubt that Steve wrote some very inspirational articles. Then he run out of things to say. But rather than to find something new in his life, he’s trying to milk the cow for as long as he can. And as is common with someone who doesn’t have something in life to be passionate about, his sex drive skyrocketed. To each his own and I ‘m not interested in judging polyamorous people. Nonetheless, to attempt to portray this as growth oriented is utterly ridiculous. Ultimately, Steve is just an immature geek who hasn’t accomplished anything significant and he knows it.
I thoroughly agree with your opinion, Zeiforjay.
Sometimes I feel humans make up for a lack of passion with an urge for sex, food or something else to quiet their mind.
It probably is very hard for Steve to internally understand that he is in the dire situation of not having achieved anything meaningful yet being unable to let his guard down without losing the bigger part of his income for now and time to come.
Grandeur is a make up for an internal feeling of emptiness, I guess.
I might err on this, but my life experience underlines these observations.
Three questions for people who have left comments:
1) What part of your ego is being challenged by your experience of Steve Pavlina that is causing you to label him and his actions?
2) What aspect of yourself do you not like that is the real energy of you negatively projecting on Steve?
All your emotions and feelings are about you. You cannot experience what you do not contain. Instead of pretending that this is about Steve, why not take his advice and get introspective?
Third question:
3) Why are so many people freaked out by the idea of a raw food diet… how has the human civilization lived for thousands of years?
Tris, I always love this argument ‘how has the human civilization lived for thousands of years?’. It is used quite often for different things.
Do you know how people lived even 200 years ago? In poverty. In ignorance. Most often joyless life. Average lifespan of less than 30 years. Constant illnesses.
How did they live 10-20 thousands years ago? They hardly lived. All their time was concerned with finding food. Not that this is an argument against raw food in modern days. But that is indeed my point – yours is no argument whatsoever!
Folks, for the record: he’s absolutely right about Freedom of Speech; it simply doesn’t apply to private enterprise, only to the powers of the government.
That being said, I have to admit to being initially absolutely absorbed by Steve’s blog, because he lived life at its very apogee, trying things that most of us adventurous people want to try, but can’t, for various reasons. His blogs about polyphasic sleep and the raw food diet were particularly compelling.
However, more thorough reading of his blog gradually revealed some disturbing aspects of his personality to me. His “you create your own reality, and even the other people in it” notions are pure solipsism, folks. (Look it up.) You’ll find that generally people who hold solipsistic views also show a tendency towards narcissism.
In Steve’s case, this narcissism has really come to a head with his views towards polyamory. He does what he wants to do, and doesn’t care who he hurts. What a selfish person!
[...] http://monkeyinmymind.com/2009/01/04/internet-self-help-guru-steve-pavlina-decides-to-have-sex-with-... [...]
Tris, introspective is a good thing, but the whole “let’s turn this back on you” thing is a trick many of the commenters here have probably seen before. Tris, what negative aspects of yourself caused you to leave your comment anyway?
Interesting post, Monkey. I agree with some of your points. You should know though that Steve never had sex with anyone outside of Erin before their separation (according to them), so expressing his “love” wasn’t just an excuse to have sex with other women, as your article implied. And Erin seems like a very strong and smart woman, so I don’t think anyone needs to worry about her being taken advantage of by Steve or anyone else.
Hadn’t looked at Steve’s blog in a while… his new lifestyle is Dominance and Submission. He’s the Master in sexual (and other) control of a female Slave. He relates this arrangement to starting a business with unequal partners. His new Luftwaffe haircut with bleached highlights and black military-looking getup go with his new kick.
After he gets bored with Dom-Sub as he calls it, what will be his next experiment?
I write this note and in fact, start this new thread on my blog in reaction to a phenomenon I believe to be extremely dangerous in the United States and indeed, across the world. I might just have a different perspective on it, being a foreigner, a frenchman, but it just doesn’t seem right to me. That literally millions of young americans would flock to this website of Mr Steve Pavlina and others of these so called self-development sites just astonishes me. But is is the sad reality, that these young adults, not having any vision for their life, no real values to lean on, no hope, would believe anything this guru would tell them. It’s incredible how people wait for someone else to show them the way. The reality is that they are completely lost, and therefore need direction. This position makes them very vulnerable and they listen to any authoritative voice. If you don’t have a vision for your life, if you do not see where you want to go and who you want to be, it won’t be long before somebody else dictates you what to do. Often it’s more subtle than that, you really think you are using you free will when in fact you are just being influenced by someone speaking into your life. The website I’m mainly talking about here, you can check it out for yourself, is called http://www.stevepavlina.com, and it has an enormous success.
Steve is a successful businessman who has built his fame and fortune by becoming this “guru” of self-development. In other words, he tells people how to live their lives and they love it. What’s disturbing in his whole approach is that he is a clever man who knows how to manipulate others. Very critical towards all religions, he has, in a sense, created his own. It’s in line with the adoration of the ego, the self-centeredness and the me, me-ism.” It’s all about me-me-me ”. My happinness, my well-being, my development, my pleasure, my satisfaction…nothing new under the sun…
Very old philosophy in fact, and it’s called disobedience, rebellion, it’s called carnality. What is really is, is the rejection of a God who created us and the disparition of any accountability towards him. I am my own God. The problem here is that when people stop believing in God, they end up believing not in nothing, but rather in anything. The so-called modern philosophies, the new techniques, the new-age, are not new at all. In the old days they were called paganism, idol-worship. Even the generation of Abraham believed in the Gods of the Sun, the Earth, the Sea. It all boils down to one thing : worshipping the creature instead of the creator. It is a fascination for what is created, but the author of life is brushed aside like an obsolete theory…http://WWW.AVRAIDIRE.EU
Steve lists himself as single and living in Las Vegas on his blog, not married and sharing himself. I think it is an interesting phenomenon when a person reaches a point where they are poised to be truly successful and then do something incredibly stupid to sabotage themselves. This is what Steve has done.
I used to read a newsletter from a woman named Cheryl Lindsey, aka Gentle Spirit. She promoted homeschooling, simple living, Christian marriage. She was featured on radio, invited to speak at homeschool workshops all over the country. Meanwhile, she decided to carry on an affair with a guy she met on the internet, enjoying trysts right under the noses of the Christian leaders who had invited her to talk about marriage and family. After she was exposed as a fraud, she lost her following. You have to be authentic or you lose your ability to connect with people. Having an affair at night was not consistent with the message she was delivering during the day to love and submit to your husband. Lindsey ended up divorcing her husband and marrying her paramour (or should I say, polymore?)
I would have been more impressed if Steven had chosen extended periods of celibacy to reach a higher state of consciousness. That would have been consistent with his emphasis on self discipline. Now it seems that following his advice leads to divorce, humiliating your spouse and abandoning your children to screw others with impunity. Sad to watch him implode. He had such promise.
This conversation is absolutely depressing. I am a little annoyed with Steve’s new D/s thing, or mostly the forceful way he approaches people when they disagree with him and also the way he repeats silly things over and over and things they’re hilarious… I guess I just don’t share his sense of humor. But that said, I love Steve’s blog, and the complaints here are pretty empty. This isn’t criticism because it doesn’t involve critical thinking. There is no basis behind, “The book didn’t sit right with me, but I can’t put my finger on it,” and yet the blogger here is insinuating that this is the basis of something wrong with Steve Pavlina. Examine your OWN feelings and opinions before making insinuations about others. If you have a bad feeling about Steve, then ask not only what might be wrong with him, but what might be with your feeling. Because you are going to want to figure out one of those if you want to get rid of that discomfort.
I agree with you re: celibacy. Giving into every physical desire, while exciting and occasionally fun, can often ultimately result in feelings of emptiness, as those desires can never fully be realized.
Thanks for commenting. While many people who have commented here seem to be taking a negative view of Steve Pavlina’s actions, to deem their observations lacking in critical thinking appears to entirely miss the point. The fact that many of them were devotees at one point who have become since become disillusioned with Steve’s current path indicates that quite a bit of critical thinking is occurring on the part of these former and current Pavlina readers.
But I do agree that our opinion of others is a reflection of our opinion of ourselves, so the observer can never be removed from the situation. Your point is well taken. In fact, I invite you to read more to discover that several of your points have been taken into account in this blog. The Monkey and I have written about what our criticisms of Pavlina could mean about ourselves in the post: Steve Pavlina’s Take on Polyamory Causes Me to Re-think My Marriage.
[...] Duck emailer is too far off base, although his/her approach was entirely wrong. I found this> Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who are Not His Wife | monkeyin… Which seems almost entirely dedicated to the same topic that the email was about. [...]
I just discovered the world according to Pavlina yesterday through a blogging class I am taking. At first I was thrilled with the articles as they all seemed to tie into the Eckart Tolle and Napoleon Hill stuff I am reading these days. But then I started to notice something that was a bit confusing. The fact that Steve was referring to “yummy” people or enjoying the “yumminess” of someone. I traipsed around the site trying to figure out if this woman Erin, was his sister or his wife. I couldn’t seem to figure it out so I Googled “Is Steve Pavlina married…” That’s when I stumbled onto your post.
I am really grateful that you took the time to write this and be open about your feelings. Yeah, it’s a joke. After 11 years of living with an egomaniac Erin’s self-esteem is in the toilet. She may have developed a million different ways of denying this, but honey, the scale don’t lie. If she was in a good place with herself they would be experimenting with ways to take their relationship, sexual and emotional, to new levels. She would look at herself and not be able to understand how he could possibly be interested in other women. The fact that she can say, “go with god” when it comes to this new “experiment” is evidence of the fact that she has already emotionally quit on the relationship. I was in a relationship once with someone of similar egocentricity. Towards the end, knowing that he was off cheating with someone else was an easy trade-off for having time to myself and being able to clean my house. People like Steve are all-consuming. Interesting that he uses the term “yummy” so often. He literally devours people. Those people, in turn, turn to greater quantities of nourishment for themselves. I don’t know if she will be able to regain some of her self-esteem by letting him go in this way. It may be more damaging. They are a public pair and she will be pitied in a public forum. Besides it’s not really letting go. It’s not like she’s going to get a break and be able to paint her nails and clean her house and actually see herself in the mirror and breathe. Now he’s going to be sharing his sexual exploits with other women, not only with her but, with the world. It really is like savagely kicking someone when they are down.
Public people tend to think that divorce will affect their fan base. Not true. It’s dishonesty and dishonesty alone that affects the fan base. Let’s face it, the reason they are going the poly-woly whatever route is not for greater love. It’s for keeping the money in tact. A divorce would be no less painful at this time because of the money now involved, but they are only delaying the inevitable. I can’t believe she is charging $500 for a phone reading. If he got her to that place, no wonder she’s having trouble letting go. Who is she without his brilliant marketing skills? They have truly stumbled onto the “one born every minute” mother-lode. As successful people they now have to choose again between the money and the quality of their relationships. They will learn, that despite their success, life is no less challenging. Erin will be terribly conflicted about what messages she is passing on to her own daughter. The idea that this will make the children more open and loving is truly the saddest part of the whole thing. Don’t even get me started on the trash-talking five year old. A jail cell does not seem to have the same inspiring effect on second generation messiahs.
Steve does have lots of good posts, like how to get up early and I’m sure that Brown Rice is the best, but much of his stuff is regurgitated from others. Again with the eating metaphors. As I mentioned, I am new to blogging so I haven’t quite developed the ability to parlay my opinion into a well-oiled money making machine. I do have one concise post for people in Erin’s position.
HOW TO LOSE 100 PONDS IN 30 DAYS
*** Dump Him.
I am actually looking forward to the unfolding of this entire scenario. I think it will ultimately lead to the empowerment of Erin. I think if she is honest with herself she will accept that he got her this far and now she can do it on her own.
One thing you have to say about Steve though, he is a good blogger. He knows how to get people to his site. I just found out about him yesterday and I’m on board for the whole ride. I just hope it doesn’t turn into some lame reality blog. Be honest now Steve.
The Poly People who defend the many sexual partners lifestyle seem to be angry at the people who judge them. It is my experience that when you truly believe in what you are doing the detractors have no effect on you. Those of us who realize that sex is so much more than sex – unless of course, it’s just sex – know that, as Steve becomes involved with these other women and their individual emotions and complexities begin to demand more from him than periodic booty calls, his life will become all consuming.
I am salivating already. Yum.
Tris Wrote:
Three questions for people who have left comments:
1) What part of your ego is being challenged by your experience of Steve Pavlina that is causing you to label him and his actions?
Reply:
This is the same old tired response I see on sites like Pavlina’s, like you have a PHD and are able to psychoanalysis anyone here. Steve’s actions have labeled himself.
2) What aspect of yourself do you not like that is the real energy of you negatively projecting on Steve?
Reply:
Here we go again. Well self thinking, educated adults are able to form an opinion without some deep-seated issues from childhood fogging our judgement.
All your emotions and feelings are about you. You cannot experience what you do not contain. Instead of pretending that this is about Steve, why not take his advice and get introspective?
Reply:
More analysis….. There is no pretense here when it comes to emotions and feelings, were talking about Steve. You said so yourself. As for the rest of your statement concerning, introspective and your response as a whole shows your lack of life experience.
Third question:
3) Why are so many people freaked out by the idea of a raw food diet… how has the human civilization lived for thousands of years?
Reply:
I see no one here Freaked out! by raw food. Some agree while others disagree, that simple.
As for how people got along for thousands of years.
They hunted and ate meat……DUH
avraidire,
I could not agree more…..
Louche Wrote:
This conversation is absolutely depressing. I am a little annoyed with Steve’s new D/s thing, or mostly the forceful way he approaches people when they disagree with him and also the way he repeats silly things over and over and things they’re hilarious… I guess I just don’t share his sense of humor. But that said, I love Steve’s blog, and the complaints here are pretty empty. This isn’t criticism because it doesn’t involve critical thinking. There is no basis behind, “The book didn’t sit right with me, but I can’t put my finger on it,” and yet the blogger here is insinuating that this is the basis of something wrong with Steve Pavlina. Examine your OWN feelings and opinions before making insinuations about others. If you have a bad feeling about Steve, then ask not only what might be wrong with him, but what might be with your feeling. Because you are going to want to figure out one of those if you want to get rid of that discomfort.
Reply:
Again with the psychoanalysis. Why do you think there has to be something wrong with a person to recognizing or disagree with another’s action?
You speak of criticism and critical thinking. I submit that it’s all critical thinking.
The very nature to question shows critical thinking. Constructive criticism is only viable as the person willing to hear it. I seriously doubt Steve would be open to any constructive criticism…..lol
Also I see no insinuations here only direct response to what Steve has written and made public.
I think it would be safe to say that if I agreed with you, like so many of Pavlina’s sheep, you would not be asking me to check my feeling and emotions.
Maybe you should examine yourself and your feelings, figure out what it is your lacking or uncomfortable with. Examine yourself to see why you need to look outward for answers to life.
I am of the opinion, that had Steve come out and said…”I’m a weak person, I F**cked up my marriage, didn’t keep my word. I’m human, I make mistakes. So not only do I have an opinion on how to improve your life, but here is what NOT to do to improve your life” Had he been MAN enough to admit his mistakes, then he might have more credibility. But he didn’t, he played it up as if it were part of his master plan……
Julie—
Thank you! Awesome post–perceptive and funny. I can’t stand Steve’s smug swagger anymore. He thinks he’s invented D/s and alternative sex and it’s sooooo obvious that it’s all a self-absorbed, self-centered excuse to do what HE wants with impunity, as someone mentioned earlier. I have nothing against that lifestyle–tried a bit myself when I was younger–but, his reasoning and responses to people that disagree or question him are laughable. At least twice he responds, “Who cares?” to someone’s posts. What are we, in 2nd grade? If he doesn’t care, why is he writing all about about it for human consumption.
I guess my reaction is mostly to the arrogant, snide, holier-than-thou attitude he’s copped in recent months. If he’d once in a while say, ‘I may be wrong about this’, or ‘you may have a point–I’ll give that some thought’, or if he EVER expressed concern for his children (it’s aaalllll about him), he’d seem more human and down-to-earth. Seriously, was no one around in the 70’s? He could be right out the pages of a 70’s self-help book right now. Anyone ever read ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ or ‘Open Marriage’? By the way, most of those ‘me’ generation people who focused on satisfying their own needs regardless of family and other commitments were sadly chastened and humbled over the decades. You can read about some of the gurus who promulgated the kinds of self-centered views Steve espouses now–their marriages crumbled, they lost fame, lost relationships with children, screwed around for years and found it empty.
I really do worry about his kids. They’ll be reading his writing in the next few years. How will he explain all this stuff then? Now, THAT’S selfish! I get the feeling he really doesn’t care. He may pass it off as some kind of ‘journey’ for them to take or try to explain how commanding his sex slave to pleasure him until he releases her or how he ‘punishes’ his slave when she’s ‘bad’ is just spreading his love around, but that’s some damaging s**t for a kid to digest. Do your own thing, but consider your kids when you’re writing it. And poor Erin–I hope she can break free of the spell and come out the other side with a new, improved BS detector.
Has anyone noticed how Steve almost never responds to the really relevant posts that poke holes in his arguments? When I read through responses to his amazingly offensive ‘Nazi Egg Eaters’ post, whenever I saw feedback that made a good argument or asked astute questions, he almost never answered those. He picked the trite, easy-to-blow-off-or-denigrate posts to answer. It was very frustrating.
Ah well–I agree with Julie. This will be amusing to watch because eventually chickens do come home to roost. There are always consequences for one’s actions–sometimes good ones. But, I think Steve will learn a few humbling lessons over the next months and years from his decisions now. One being–you can’t just hurt people and say, ‘oh, that’s just something they’ll grow from’. Whatever happened to personal responsibility?
Thanks, Monkey Mind, and Julie, let me know when you have your blog up. I’m there.
I stopped reading pavlina a long time ago. Just read one of his posts on D/s. Hilarious! This guy is such a loser, he really thinks he’s brilliant. Wow, if you need to broadcast your hyper-rationalization of your kinky sex antics – I’m sorry but the guy must be a dud in bed. Who wants some geek spouting off on this bs? He has the emotional depth of a guppy. I’ve lost all respect for Erin Pavlina. I’m sure their kids will grow up to be the biggest, most self-entitled assholes on the planet.
Just further proof that some people are drinking the Kool-Aid. Glad I passed on that one…
I agree with avraidire, monkey man and brickman. Steve is not a Gandhi, not a Confucious, not a great spiritual leader. He is a mediocre guy with a big ego who enjoys promoting himself. His blog is as appealing as a reality show. It has no spiritual depth when it’s set against something like the I Ching. He is not a master. I would even venture to say he’s less spiritually mature than most people. He equates spirituality with ego-centric self-worship; most people don’t do that. If his sexual experiments were about expanding love he would make love with ugly lonely women. Of course it’s not about that. If he really wanted to expand love he would look at some of the deep problems in the world like homelessness. But there’s no self-serving pleasure in tackling that, so he hasn’t done it. His path to enlightenment is BDSM with younger women. This guy is a spiritual charlatan and in the age of reality TV most people don’t know it.
I don’t think Steve is trying to be a spiritual leader. Spiritual leaders such as Gandhi, Jesus, and the Buddha are anti-materialistic. The New Age has taken spirituality and co-opted it with materialistic pursuits, but I don’t see Steve as New Age. He’s into the quest for success and money, the quest for happiness through career and relationship, physical health, sexual power tripping, and having a feeling of superiority. New Agers talk more about becoming One with a Higher Power, crystals, Angels, healing, Tarot, rituals, etc. I would say Erin fits into this somewhat but if Steve is into it it’s only to market her brand. He talks about Astral Projection, but he’s just picking and choosing. It’s arguable, but I don’t see him as fitting into a spiritual niche. He’s his own label. That’s why he doesn’t understand how jarring it is to many readers when he goes from writing helpful articles about getting focused to veering off into the benefits of kinky sex. It’s about what makes him happy on the materialistic, physical plane.
Lynn,
Thank you for liking my post so much. Your response has encouraged me to now go out and seek sex with people other than my boyfriend. After all why should he be the only one who gets to hear my amusing musings. Not to mention all these intelligent insights. I MUST SHARE MY BRILLIANCE WITH THE WORLD. Sexually, of course. All the Avatars know that that’s how you transmute your brilliance.
Look, like I said, I am new to blogging. I don’t know Steve but, first glance, I don’t see anything original. There isn’t anything original about cheating on your wife and there certainly isn’t anything original about how it ends up. The idea that it’s going to improve his relationship… Wow! Why doesn’t he just say he is the first guy ever, who is going to jump out a ten-story window… and bounce.
It always ends up the same because you cannot use other human beings as stepping stones to your own enlightenment. Well, you can but it is known as the excruciatingly painful path to enlightenment. You cannot cast people as extras in your life. They’re called “people”. You know those self-involved creatures that believe it’s all about them.
I find that when you decide you are going to use people to a certain end, they end up doing it to you.
As for the people who keep saying look into your own soul and ask yourself what is wrong with you that makes you judge Steve so negatively, I get that. There’s plenty “wrong” with me. I’m not Eckart Tolle. (Loving his book, by the way) I’m not Buddha. I’m working my own game. I am not mad at Steve. I certainly don’t hate him. Don’t even know him, but if he’s selling his script -and let’s face it he is, I get to have an opinion. I see a thin plot, not much character development, poor acting and a predictable ending. All in all a shoddy effort by a novice director. I give it two stars.
Pardon the negative tone but, there is something very unsettling about this guy. On the surface, he is
awesome- in fact, gives great advice on his blog, but when I can see him speaking the same words,I get a
very fishy vibe (call it a “first impression” guided by intuition).He looks like a recluse trying to play
the extrovert (not much harm done)using gestures learned from success seminars, but it looks very fake.His
eyes have no soul.My intuition says:con artist,cheater, pervert,lonely,insecure
There is something very unsettling about Steve Pavlina. On the surface, he is awesome- in fact, gives great advice on his blog and I used to read his posts and get inspired. I was actually a fan of his before. Now I’m ashamed. Reading his words is one thing. When I saw him speaking the same words on youtube, I got a very fishy vibe (call it a “first impression” guided by intuition). Watch his videos on youtube. Don’t take my word for it. He looks straight up like a LIAR. He is pudgy as hell- NO RAW FOODIST or exercise genius looks like an old, fat child molester with a receding hair line. He is supposed to look like a result of his experiments. He doesn’t. But no one sees it because they desperately WANT to believe that he’s a god-man. People need to believe in themselves. Whenever anyone points out that he’s too chubby and old/tired/soulless looking to be a raw food superman, they get bashed by his followers who swallow every word he says like the BJ they’re giving him. But do they have a clear answer? Do they have proof that he’s doing those experiments? Or are they just empty words coming from a guy who ended high school in jail for grand theft. You think someone who has been to jail for stealing is completely innocent? Or would you use your brain and think for a second that he might have some anti-social tendencies? He has stolen money before and will continue to do it. Now, through the guise of spiritualism, he’s stealing people’s souls. And no I don’t believe that you can go from a jailbait into saint in one lifetime. If you watch his body language, he looks like a recluse trying to play the extrovert using gestures learned from success seminars, but it looks very fake. His body language often looks rehearsed as well as what’s coming out of his mouth, but on a deeper level, you can see dishonesty and lies written all over him. He has no true humility. He shows no remorse for anything. His eyes have no soul. His polyamory thing is based on a few core principles : be a con artist, be a public whore with many female self help fans and no one to call you out on your shit (it’s like the emperor’s new clothes- these new agey bitches are STUPID and can’t see that he is fat and naked, and obviously doesn’t go on any of these diets or fitness regimes at all- it’s all made up written garbage on his blog to make MONEY people), pervert,lonely,insecure. If you see any videos, you always find some pale and pasty alternative chick fawning over him, because they believe he has “spiritual power” and is a “spiritual” celebrity. They’re ready to whore themselves on him, and he’s ready to lap it up and kick his fat dumbshit of a wife to a corner and throw her some food so she can make company with a burger while he screws every self help seminar chick in town. Sounds like your everyday con artist spiritual leader to me
There is something very unsettling about Steve Pavlina. On the surface, he is awesome- in fact, gives great advice on his blog and I used to read his posts and get inspired. I was actually a fan of his before. Now I’m ashamed. Reading his words is one thing. When I saw him speaking the same words on youtube, I got a very fishy vibe (call it a “first impression” guided by intuition). Watch his videos on youtube. Don’t take my word for it. He looks straight up like a LIAR. He is pudgy as hell- NO RAW FOODIST or exercise genius looks like an old, fat child molester with a receding hair line. He is supposed to look like a result of his experiments. He doesn’t. But no one sees it because they desperately WANT to believe that he’s a god-man. People need to believe in themselves. Whenever anyone points out that he’s too chubby and old/tired/soulless looking to be a raw food superman, they get bashed by his followers who swallow every word he says like the BJ they’re giving him. But do they have a clear answer? Do they have proof that he’s doing those experiments? Or are they just empty words coming from a guy who ended high school in jail for grand theft. You think someone who has been to jail for stealing is completely innocent? Or would you use your brain and think for a second that he might have some anti-social tendencies? He has stolen money before and will continue to do it. Now, through the guise of spiritualism, he’s stealing people’s souls. And no I don’t believe that you can go from a jailbait into saint in one lifetime. If you watch his body language, he looks like a recluse trying to play the extrovert using gestures learned from success seminars, but it looks very fake. His body language often looks rehearsed as well as what’s coming out of his mouth, but on a deeper level, you can see dishonesty and lies written all over him. He has no true humility. He shows no remorse for anything. His eyes have no soul. His polyamory thing is based on a few core principles : be a con artist, be a public whore with many female self help fans and no one to call you out on your shit (it’s like the emperor’s new clothes- these new agey bitches are STUPID and can’t see that he is fat and naked, and obviously doesn’t go on any of these diets or fitness regimes at all- it’s all made up written garbage on his blog to make MONEY people), pervert,lonely,insecure. If you see any videos, you always find some pale and pasty alternative chick fawning over him, because they believe he has “spiritual power” and is a “spiritual” celebrity. They’re ready to whore themselves on him, and he’s ready to lap it up and kick his fat dumbshit of a wife to a corner and throw her some food so she can make company with a burger while he screws every self help seminar chick in town. Sounds like your everyday con artist spiritual leader to me
Hey Monkey,
The upgrade to the site looks great….
Thanks for the kind words, Brickman! The redesign occupied some time I would normally dedicate to writing and posting so I am glad its finally up and running! Now I need to get back to creating content!
Peace. The Monkey
I’ve followed Steve Pavlina for the past 4 years or so and have gotten a lot of useful information out of his blog until last year.
And it’s about time someone wrote something like this about Steve.
He used to talk about how if the reality was not to his liking, he could just change his beliefs, his whole context of reality. You can check this out in his article named “questioning your beliefs”.
Apparently, he kept changing his context, his reality or his beliefs about his reality until he actually found the best one.
Now if he was able to change his context so easily, why didn’t he change it when he started polyamory? Why didn’t he change his context when he was thinking of spreading his love to other women besides his wife? Why didn’t he change his context when he was divorcing his wife?
On top of that, I really disliked when no one would question his decision but instead bite your head off if you questioned him. It has turned into a cult now.
People praised him for having the courage to divorce his wife if things were not working out instead of holding onto a failing relationship!!!
People on his forums also supported his decision of divorce and polyamory by saying that if you’re a really highly conscious being, you can not live with just one person and you can not be tied down! They also started saying stuff like “is there any one who’s highly conscious who is still married?” And that if you’re still married means you are not a highly conscious person, that you’re lacking somewhere.
Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this?! And this is not Steve but his followers who’re saying this!
To me, there is nothing more honorable than a man who sticks by his family in good and bad. Who does everything in his power to keep his family happy. I’m always glad and overjoyed when I see old couples who’ve been married for 50 years and are still enjoying each others company!
I felt the same thing about his book. Wasn’t sure why I didn’t like it nor enjoyed it as much. As a self help junkie I’ve literally read hundreds of self help books but his was the one I enjoyed the least.
Then I realized the reason. It was because his book was written like a blog! Not like a story that you can follow but like he took a whole bunch of blog posts and put them together in a book.
Anyways, it saddens me when grown up and well educated people totally lose their senses and objectivity and start defending and justifying someone even when that someone is totally wrong!
Thanks for your weighing in on the issue. I haven’t been on his site for a long time, (other than to catch a glimpse of Steve’s new euro-trash look, which has since been updated to be more of a morning-after-hangover look.
Perhaps a reason why “conscious” people are single is that many of them preach about consciousness but may not practice it in their own lives, resulting in an inflammation of the ego and inability to maintain real intimate loving relationships…
I agree with everything in the OP and in the comments about Steve himself, especially what he is claiming as polyamory.
However, I must address the subject of polyamory itself, because you, Monkey, claim that your issue is not with the concept of poly at all, and you don’t give a flip about a person’s personal choices, etc., but in point of fact, your actual words reveal a certain bias against polyamory in general.
Where Olivia defends your post saying she sees nothing judgmental toward the concept of poly, and you thank her, denying the same, I have to call you out with this quote: “The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language…”
This, and certain other phrasings you use, indicate that you DO in fact have an issue with it.
The reality is that polyamory is nothing more or less than an alternative lifestyle to what passes for the “norm,” or mainstream society. Pretty much like homosexuality as opposed to heterosexuality, or being transgendered rather than cisgendered. There is absolutely nothing inferior or superior to be found. Any supposed inferiorities that are found are merely the result of societal conditioning to view what is common and typical as what is normal, or “correct.”
I am not poly myself, but I have a number of poly friends, and poly is not always defined the same way. One couple has a deep and abiding commitment to one another, and in fact have one of the strongest relationships I have ever seen. Both of them periodically have sex with other people, but they do so openly and frankly. For these two, they have no compunction about sharing their bodies with others, but as the woman described it, “only my husband has my soul.” And it works for them. For another couple I know, the man is monogamous, the woman poly, and bisexual. He has no issue with her having sex with other women, so long as he is aware of who her other partners are, and when she is planning a “date” with one. And it also works. For yet another couple I know, the word ‘couple’ becomes problematic. The woman has two husbands (informally, from a religious ceremony, not a legal one). There is no, uh, “romantic” relationship between the two men, although they are good friends; rather the woman is in love with both of them and both with her. Again, they have an arrangement that they have made work, for them.
Yes, again, I realize you insist that you have no problem with polyamory (although you don’t actually ever say that, you really only say that you have no problem with Steve’s personal choices for his life, which is NOT the same thing as saying you don’t have an issue with poly), just that you think Steve’s using it as an excuse and not because he really believes in it. I also don’t really mean to lecture you on the subject. It’s just that yes, I really do think your words strongly indicate an inherent bias against polyamory. Presumably because, like most of us, you grew up in a society that treats monogamy as what is normal and “right/appropriate/good,” and anything outside that model as weird/wrong/abnormal.
I don’t really understand poly either, because I was raised steeped in the assumption of monogamy to such an extent that I simply can’t wrap my head around the idea of a person being able to love more than one person at a time, or be committed to one person fully and completely, while having sex with others. But the reality is that relationships are, and MUST be, defined by the individuals within them, and according to the needs of those individuals, NOT according to society’s book of rules.
Whatever Steve Pavlina himself is doing, I hope you will try to educate yourself on the subject of polyamory a bit, rather than dismiss it as an oxymoron or a fancy label to excuse sleeping around, because it’s more than that, it’s an alternative relationship model, just as there’s more than one model of sexual orientation.