Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who Are Not His Wife
Photo by: Nevit Dilmen
For the past several years I have been following Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development blog, www.stevepavlina.com. I first stumbled across his blog about three years ago after typing in the words, “what is my life’s purpose,” into Google, whereupon I landed at this blog post. I was amazed at the virtual poetry of his writing style and loved the simplicity of the actual advice, which he boiled down into four simple steps:
Here’s what to do:
- Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
- Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
- Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
- Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.
After reading this article and getting inspired about the possibilities in my own life I found myself digesting reams and reams of his articles on a variety of topics that were unique, engaging, and enlightening. The most notable aspect of Pavlina’s blog is the sheer size of the thing. It has hundreds and hundreds of interesting articles. A lot of value for free. Pavlina inspired me to start this blog, and I used his suggestions and advice as to how to go about doing it.
Over the years, like many habits or interests, I found myself less mystified with Pavlina, especially when he took up a raw diet and seemed to post about his experiences in that area endlessly. Having a lot of experience with holistic nutrition and in the natural products industry, I’ve known many raw-foodists and my impression is that while consuming raw food should be an important component in our diet, going all-raw can be a bit extreme and the disciples of that mode of thought can at times appear a bit fanatical. Perhaps this was a warning sign.
That being said, I still read his other personal development articles with some level of interest and was reasonably excited when he announced that he would be publishing his first book in the fall of 2008. I even obtained an advanced press copy of the book, “Personal Development for Smart People,” in order to write a review of it on my blog. The enticing thing about writing a review of the book was that Steve promised to post links to reviewers’ blogs on his website, which receives many thousands of visits per day.
After getting my copy of the book I read it quickly and thoroughly. I can’t say it was easy to read quickly because not long after opening it did I realize that something within its pages wasn’t resonating with me. While I loved many of his personal development and entrepreneurialism blog posts, something was preventing me from connecting to his book and to this day I can’t exactly find the words to describe how I feel about it.
A former computer games programmer, Pavlina gives the impression that he lives his life as if it were some grand math problem or scientific experiment. That attitude towards life creates ample opportunity for writing about experiences and personal trials in a unique way, but ultimately in such a fashion that the replication of which would be impractical or impossible for many of us “regular people.”
An example: Pavlina writes several articles about the merits of “Polyphasic Sleep,” which basically entails abandoning the traditional method of sleeping 6-8 hours a night for a series of shorter naps throughout any given 24-hour period. The first thought I had while reading about this was, “cool,” given how he was able to come up with so much additional time to complete projects and be productive. The second thought I had was,”How the hell does his wife deal with him?,” knowing that my wife would never stand for me not going to bed with her and being up all hours of the night.
“Polyamory,” the Next Great Pursuit of Steve Pavlina
Which brings me to the point of my post. So Steve Pavlina’s wife, Erin, is also a blogger and the focus of her work is on Psychic Readings. He mentions her frequently in his blog and if you read Pavlina enough, you get the sense that you understand a little bit about how their relationship works.
Recently, however, Pavlina began writing about feeling unfulfilled in his marriage. That he had all of this “love” to give but felt that he couldn’t sufficiently express it within the context of a traditional monogamous marriage. This came as a surprise to me, but I was even more surprised when he announced to his readers this week that he was going to abandon his monogamous marriage for a “polyamorous” lifestyle, which basically entails opening up the marriage so he can have sex with other women. I mean, so he can share his “love” with other women.
On one level, I don’t want to be one to judge anybody else’s lifestyle choices, especially given the nature of my own blog, in which my objective here is to Quiet the Monkey Mind, the judgmental, chattering beast within who wants to make others wrong without seeing my flaws or lessons to be learned in my own life. On the other hand, I can’t help but experience some outrage and disgust, not necessarily with his choice, but with the blatant rationalizations and seemingly ego-guided reasons behind his decision. I am especially turned off by Pavlina’s justification of his decision to seek out sex (loving relationships) with women outside his marriage because he markets himself as a self-help guru who lives consciously and encourages others to do so, but this particular choice, when you dissect his rationalizations behind it, has very little to do with conscious living and just about everything do with trying to find ways to satisfy his sexual urges.
The other thing that really seems creepy about the whole thing is his unwillingness to accept that his two children (five and eight years old, respectively) might possibly be harmed by daddy’s new personal development project. Finally, there’s his wife, Erin, seemingly unwillingly placed in the middle of Steve’s latest escapade. He reports that she’s okay with his choice, but if you check out her blog here, you’ll find that she mentions nothing of this new “joint” decision to allow Stevie to wet his wick elsewhere. In fact, I would think that if his wife Erin were so on board with his latest endeavor, she would probably write a post about how she supports his choice and is excited about having sex with other men. But instead, what you will see is a post about her attempt to go on a raw-diet for 30 days (emulating her husband’s penchant for 30-day trials) with her apparent objective to shed some weight from her nearly 200-pound frame.
I mention Erin’s weight because this situation reminds me a bit of John and Elizabeth Edwards, in that there seemed to be such a mismatch in terms of physical appearances between these two that it seemed only logical that the better looking half of the partnership would be seeking out opportunities to share his “love” with women outside the marriage. When it was announced that John had in fact been involved with another woman, was anyone really that surprised, other than John-boy himself, who was probably so deluded by his own ego that he:
1) Thought what he was doing was okay, or
2) Thought he was so talented that he could get away with a clear no-no.
What does this have to do with Steve Pavlina and his wife, Erin? Well, if you’ve spent any time at all on his blog, you will notice that Steve writes frequently about diet, physical exercise, and overall nutrition. I wouldn’t exactly call the man a lady-killer, but he’s reasonably attractive and obviously physically fit. Then you see photos of Erin Pavlina, who clearly doesn’t embody the picture of personal fitness. I asked myself when I saw a recent picture of the two of them at some event with some other fauthors rom his publishing house, why this supposed master of personal development doesn’t coach his own wife to achieve a healthy weight? I instantly thought that there was a physical attraction mismatch within the relationship and it all suddenly made sense a few weeks later when Steve announced to the world that his next great experiment would be to spread his overwhelming love with other women within the context of sexual relationships.
My Take on What is Going On With Steve
The man is enjoying new levels of riches and fame with the publication of his debut book. He speaks all over the country at various seminars and events. Considering the demographics of the self-help market is dominated by women, undoubtedly he has inspired many women to change their lives for the better and has experienced the temptation of fulfilling his sexual desires with these many women who now look at him starry-eyed, as if he’s a master, a guru, with great knowledge and experience to endow upon others. I have seen this so many times, when men dispelling advice or coaching to women get caught up enmeshed in temptation. Fueled by his ego and the idea that he can do no wrong and justify all of his experiences as personal development challenges, he decides that there is a way to satisfy his carnal desires without having to go through a messy divorce, especially now that his assets are significantly greater than when he first hooked up with Erin. The classic “having your cake and eating it too” syndrome he could enact, masquerading as a noble desire to simply experience more love in the world, as if loving a wife and two kids were not enough. As if love could not be expressed by helping the homeless or ending hunger or starting a foundation, as if love expression only entailed penis insertion in new and exciting locales!
What bothers me most about his choice is again, not the choice itself. It’s the reasons behind the choice which I’ll go into greater detail now, addressing several of the points he makes in his lengthy diatribe defending his decision.
Dear Erin
He begins perhaps by speaking directly to his wife in a section labeled, “Hurt,” in which he celebrates hurt as a path towards greater love (so as to convince his wife and family that getting hurt by his choice will only lead to the expansion of their love):
Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?
Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.
Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on? The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too.
Translation: Honey, don’t you see that by allowing me to share my love with others, the hurt that you may experience is simply an opportunity for you to grow? Don’t you remember that you and I chose a path of growth, so shouldn’t you be excited by this new chance to expand your consciousness?
Allow the manipulation to commence. There is nothing conscious about intentionally hurting other people in the pursuit of your own growth.
Then, Steve goes further down this road, justifying causing others’ hurt as a method of staring down fear in the face, as if conquering fear, whatever the cost, is justifiable. Then he tips his hand a bit as to his true intentions, with a allusion to Scooby Doo that is simultaneously incredibly geeky and rather perverted:
It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.
But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.
You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.
This guy is a self-help guru?
Next, Steve goes on to discuss the institution of marriage, which he refers to as a “consciousness-lowering bugaboo,” and “some sort of disease.” Then, in an odd turn, he half-heartedly celebrates his own marriage:
That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.
Translation: You’re cool and all, honey, but really this marriage has been nothing more than a bullet on my “self-help guru” resume. How can I dispel advice to others on relationships if I haven’t been in one myself? Now that I have that block checked, I ‘m ready to parlay this marriage in to greater opportunities to sell my personal development services.
Next, in one of his more sickening rationalizations, Steve talks about his kids and family, saying that people who criticize his choice don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t personally know his five and eight-year old kids. He says:
Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.
Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.
My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.
Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.
Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.”
Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo,
Translation: Honey, you know how much our kids like to meet new people, just think of much they’ll grow and learn from the litany of strange people that I’ll be bringing home. They will get a real kick out of coming into my bed in the morning and making a game out of trying to guess what kind of lady daddy brought home last night. Plus, my polyamorous friends will be great play partners for our kids. Just think, you could get a lot of work done while my sex partners play with our children! Oh and by the way, I’m the smartest man on Earth.
By the way, I know that Halo is a pretty intense, violent video game and it personally disturbs me to know that a five-year old is playing a game like that. The last line is the kicker: my choice is right and if you question my choice my kids will laugh at you, which only backs up that I’m right! It is stunning to read this coming from a person who teaches a pursuit of higher consciousness. And by the way, why exactly should be “scared” about the fact that your children share your DNA. Do you know something we don’t, that you are an ego-maniac whose genes actually shouldn’t be spread? Or are you just so scary smart that more of you on the planet will tip the balance of humanity and existence itself in favor of the super-race you are creating? Odd comment, to say the least.
Next Steve plugs his tiresome book, by breaking down Polyamory according to the “Univeral Growth Principles” he identifies in “Personal Development for Smart People.”
Truth – Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception.
Real truth would be admitting to himself and the world that he is desperately trying to satisfy his sexual desires. Instead of practicing a little self-discipline (which he touts frequently in his other blog posts), he will create a situation in which he doesn’t have to lie or be deceitful to his wife about having sex with other women, and then gets to trumpet that noble decision as an expression of truth. In other words, he gets to dump his garbage on his wife and then call it being truthful, which he can later celebrate as an expression of virtue.
Love – Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core.
Real love would be to set his wife and family free from his sexual cravings. The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language, like calling a nuclear missile a “Peacekeeper.” Yes, it may have kept the world out of some conflicts, but to call a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the Earth dozens of times over a Peacekeeper is a bit of linguistic gymnastics. Knowing how difficult it is to grow and maintain the loves in my life (my wife, child, unborn child, and extended family) the thought of complicating life with more people, emotions, and expectations is mind-boggling. The only way I could see it working is for it truly just be about the sex because there’s no real way for a man to fully be present and in the state of love at all times with multiple women. It’s hard enough to manage one’s job and one’s wife, or to juggle giving love and affection to both a child and a spouse. Steve essentially equates love with sex, and while love certainly can involve sex, it is perfectly possible to express love without intercourse. A guy with his influence and reach and many millions of readers could expand love in the world in a myriad of ways. Sleeping with other women is just that, sleeping with other women.
Power – Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.
I honestly don’t know how to tackle this one, he’s just so off base. I’m not sure how sleeping around develops self-discipline. Weren’t many of the great masters celebate, anyway?
Courage (Love + Power) – Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage.
Real courage would be having the balls to divorce his wife and face the possibility of losing his wealth and his family in pursuit of his desire to have sex with many women. Steve is a skilled communicator (manipulator) for sure, who would rather attempt to convince his poor wife that this is a great choice so he doesn’t have to gather up the courage to make a choice that might be uncomfortable and costly, both financially and emotionally.
There’s a lot more to rail on about in his blog post, but I’ll wrap it up here for now. But first, one last point from Steve that simply can’t go without commentary:
My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.
Um, ever heard of messiah/martyr complex? Hey Steve, newsflash: living out your sexual fantasies doesn’t make you Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, MLK, JFK, or RFK. I guess literally spreading his seed is a legacy to humanity, perhaps in the form of more little Stevies running around as a result of this experiment, but come on, isn’t this comment going a bit too far in the category of adoration of self? Steve – you’re sticking your willie in lots of places, not feeding the masses!
Finally, a man supposedly dedicated to oneness, openness, and consciousness refuses to engage in any sort of debate over the merits of his decision. As if he knows the law and questioning of the law will result in expulsion from the school of personal development:
I recommend that the people who [disagree with his choice] should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.
Translation: I know what consciousness is and you don’t. If you don’t agree with me, that just means you haven’t “gotten it” yet and need to start over on your path.
In some circles, we would call this type of thinking the markers of a “Cult of Personality,” wherein the Supreme Leader knows the laws and creates the laws by whatever actions he wishes to engage in. Disagreement results in ridicule, accusations of lack of consciousness, banishment, or worse.
The last thing I’ll say about this today is, Steve, there’s a resource for people like you and it’s not the “Polyamory” community. It’s called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and their website is right here. And guess what, you don’t have to pay some self-trained personal development guru to help you. It’s absolutely free.
And if that doesn’t work, get a puppy.
P.S. Unlike Mr. Pavlina, I welcome debate on this subject. I look forward to reading your comments.
Sphere: Related Content
Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment. I totally understand how you could feel that I was revealing a bias against polyamory. I believe that my initial post was more about Steve’s b.s. relating to his polyamory experiment. In this case the facts speak for themselves and validate my point. I argued that Steve’s poly journey was actually a thinly-veiled excuse to sleep with women who are not his wife. He made all of these justifications and rationalizations and what ended up happening?
Steve and Erin got separated and divorced. No polyamory there. A failed exercise was the result.
i agree that there are people out there who define their terms, their boundaries, etc. What they do in the privacy of their own home is their business. I have no beef or issue with polyamory itself.
What I have an issue with is people like Steve, who talk about personal development and enlightenment, but are really simply serving their sexual desires and masquerading it as being free or non-judgmental, or whatever rationalization Steve is now using to explain how he destroyed his marriage and possibly irrevocably damaged his children’s lives.
The Monkey,
I realize you are primarily attacking Steve’s use of polyamory and not polyamory itself, but I must reiterate that your language says otherwise.
“The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language…”
This was the strongest, but not the only, indication of your personal viewpoint of polyamory. Yes, you are mostly talking about Steve Pavlina’s personal experience, and how he (likely) was using it as an excuse. But you are ***also*** revealing that you don’t actually understand what polyamory is about and have an inherent bias toward it. And, again I must repeat myself, that you continuously say that you have no problem with what people do in their personal lives is beside the point of you clearly having a personal bias against polyamory.
Moving on, I must point out that while Steve himself has acknowledged that polyamory has played a role in his divorce from Erin, you are reaching when you conclude that it was the only or even the most important factor. You are also REALLY stretching to conclude that he might have irrevocably damaged his children.
Again, I think that much of your opinion here is significantly colored by a prejudice toward a lifestyle you don’t have a real understanding of. You keep saying that you’re not attacking polyamory and don’t care what people do in their personal lives and you’re specifically concerned with Steve and no one else, but the fact is that your actual words reveal otherwise. At root here is that you don’t truly believe polyamory is a legitimate expression for *any* relationship, and is just another word for cheating or having an “open” marriage.
If Steve were truly committed to polyamory he would not be in a monogamous relationship now. More like he was calling what he was doing polyamory when it was really part of an attempt to save his marriage.
The way Steve did it was not a situation of multiple happy relationships; he was on the outs with Erin. I think this would have harmed his children. Divorce can devastate children, no matter what parents think.
Moi,
No disputes there, about Steve’s behavior. Which I’ve made clear.
As for whether it would have harmed his kids, you DON’T know that. Yes, divorce **can** harm children, but that it can does not equate to it **absolutely will**. It cannot be said that divorce always harms children, and does so irreparably, and YOU cannot say that these particular children were hurt by it.
I agree that Steve came across as if he was using polyamory as an excuse. However, several people in these threads need to remember that there is a difference between what is possible, what is likely, and what is definite, and also bear in mind that none of us can say what is or isn’t going on. We can speculate and surmise, but we have to remember that that’s ALL we can do. The most we get of Steve and Erin’s lives is what they share with us through the blog, which does not give us sufficient information to say anything with any certainty.
Hi Monkey,
Been following SP for about some months now, but only select articles. When you said about how you “started off” on SP, I thought, “Hey, A Friend.”
My personal take — I look more at the stuff and less at the person, whether in music or in literature or anything else. (You’re talking about when the person becomes too big to ignore, I suppose.)
It just looks like S.P. has gone to the bad. His older posts are still great!
–DM
A few years ago, while I was still an angsty highschooler, I too googled some inane personal help question and discovered Steve Pavlina’s blog. Much like you, I started to read more articles and I found them to be helpful in many ways. I followed his blog for years and years, eventually deciding to move in with my boyfriend of a couple of months because I felt that it was “my path” to do so. While trying to “figure things out” I met someone else who was NOT my boyfriend who seemed to resonate with me, and decided that I should go with how I felt and let everything work itself out. The result was an angry breakup and a lot of unneeded heartache. Most of his ethics are not practical in any sense of the word, or even MORAL and I didn’t even realize it until years later that my adoptions of the things he was preaching directly influenced me to fuck up my life. It’s pretty intense stuff, and it sort of makes me sad because he does have very good content– it’s just mixed in with a lot of his own ideals and weird ideas with some contradictory philosophies shakily backing them up. Thanks for the great article, it’s a nice feeling to know I’m not the only one who thinks this guy is fucking crazy.
Great comment. Crazy how we can find ourselves not listening to our own wisdom. Thanks for writing in Audrey.
Great and inciteful post Mr. “Monkey-mind”:)
Steve’s writing sure seems to have a lot of “I” and “me” in it. I’d love to put him in a room with Nelson Mandela, the Dali Lama, and Mother Theresa (now deceased) so they could confer with him regarding his ideas about humanitarianism, enlightenment, and/or sanctification.
However, my “off-the-record” impression of what’s really going on with Steve Pavlina is that he is sounding suspiciously like someone with bipolar disorder who is entering a manic phase. Hypersexuality, poor judgement, and grandiose thinking are classic hallmarks of mania.
Of course, as an MD practising in the field of psychiatry, I cannot presume to diagnose a person who I’ve never met. However I can say that reading this particular posting of Steve’s made me sad and concerned for his state of mind.
Dr. Michelle
Polyamory does actually have the potential to work. I have occasionally looked at Steve’s articles and I saw his one on ‘polyamory’. I think seeing that may have unconsiously made me try it out for myself. However it was done in a loving way with consent between all involved and all of us were going out with each other rather than separte people.
I eventually left because I was busy with work and not feeling like being in a relationship at the time. However polyamory doesn’t always equate to jealously and hurt feelings. Not when you have open communication.
Alothough I do agree with you that Steve is somewhat batshit insane despite having a few good articles.
I think that Steve is a great inspiration, and I don’t disagree with polyamory per se. But I completely agree with this article, and I was gratified to see your “translations,” as they almost exactly mirrored the translation process I was going through while reading Steve’s original article! And your comments about balancing doling out all of that emotion (“love”) are on the mark: I’m not convinced that women, in general, can spread around both emotional and physical intimacy, and I think that the most guys can spread is physical intimacy. Honestly, as a guy, I would have respected Steve more if he had just admitted what we all realized–he wanted to have sex with other women. (Because in all fairness, who knows how problematic that would have been? I reserve judgment; I’ve seen open relationships work. But all of them have stressed that the outside play was purely physical, not emotional.)
Hi Monkey,
Being an ancient one – I’ve got my old people’s bus pass – I’ve learnt over the years that people are odd. And successful people are often odder.
Steve Pavlina has an excellent mind and a great writing style. A substantial amount of his work is really great. Some of it is to say the least a bit weird.
I think the trick is not to throw the baby out with the bath water. You said that reading his work was part of the inspiration for you to create this interesting blog. I would suggest that possibly part of your great analytical style was partially influenced by him.
I think you need to take from his site what you need and ignore the other sections, such as the food fads and his, shall I say,descriptions of his ungentlemanly behaviour.
For part of my life I rented some rooms in a house that gave me an insight to the life of the rich and successful. Many writers, politicians, business people seem to live strange hypocritical lives. My landlady was having three concurrent affairs, all with married men.
The biggest difference between them and Steve Pavlina is that he is more open about his thoughts and actions. Writing it up and blogging about it.
Like you I feel sorry for his wife and children. It is awkward for them when the information is placed in the public domain. It demonstrates that he is quite arrogant.
So my advice is don’t devalue the sections of his blog that’s useful to you. Ignore the sections that you don’t like or you think are weird. You don’t have to like a person to think that a lot of what they say is right. Sorry he’s let you down.
Come on guys are we all serious. The expression conscious growth is used to cover up infidelity and social criticisms. May I ask you one question?
I do care about the sanity of the people that’s why I think I had to step in. I along with other citizens of the world have been following the advices that Steve has been giving out throughout his blog. From fitness to management we have been taking Steve as a role model! So this was our mistake. Just because a man does good in one field does it have to mean he is a total angel or a God like figure. His entire wealth as he says is completely dependent on his Self-Developmental ideas, yet he has stabbed the values he has given completely.
When did cheating her wife become acceptable, I am asking all of you, search for your hearts, ones who do have wives think would you want your spouse flirting in your bed with another man who preys on woman, while you are working very hard every night. Do you want a society where instinctive sexual urges are satisfied with infidelity and having sex with newly met strangers. I am not the person who will preach on love, but the love that Steve was talking about in his book and blog was an unconditional deep love which arised not from the instinct but came from the evolved human caring.
None of us have perfect lives and we can never attain that state, but there are some qualities we can encompass and use to develop our characters. Steve has his own life and like he says, when I return home you will be left with your own life. I wonder how Erin really feels about what he have said. That is why we do not have the moral obligation, but this is not about Steve.
This is about being cheated. Nevit Dilmen thanks for bringing this subject up because it is us who are being cheated. Like a savy politician, playing on words, he made infidelity acceptable to all of you. Next thing we know we will let him rob a store again so that he can grow through this experience and increase his spiritual side. Just ask yourself who is the ideal role model that you have been looking after since childhood? Then ask yourself this, are you willing to commit to people who will justify every deed they through using word play? This time search your conscience and think about it,please!
Hi
I actually used to like Steve Pavlina’s advice on personal development but now he has started behaving like one of those many fake godmen (in India, we have many) who finally take to ‘polyamory’ – first time I heard of this word but the act itself is nothing new and first time I saw someone give such a big justification for this. While he started out sane, SP is now too much into intellectualizing and philosiphizing (is this a new word like polyamory) that rather than doling out advice he may end up getting counselled soon.
OMG, I checked Steve’s blog after many months… he’s now offering phone consulting, he doesn’t call it coaching but that’s what it is. For $997.00 per hour. How can it be worth that much to talk to ANYONE? I can pray for free. And I’ll need to, since I’d be broke after the call. And, since the price precludes an ongoing coaching relationship for most people, how can clients get anywhere? They could hire a coach or consultant for at least 5 sessions for that much, maybe even 10 or more, and work actively on whatever they need. Say it’s a hefty $200 an hour, they could talk once a month–many coaches offer email coaching free in addition to phone, Skype, or in person.
Does he just need to charge more than Erin? I think I’d rather have a psychic reading than advice–I can give myself advice–but I don’t know how to do a psychic reading. I’m sure some people will pay the $997 to speak to the Great One (can’t wait for the testimonials…) but really, what is the point?
Oh Steve, if you’re reading, I know you always criticize people who don’t have a lot of money. So I thought I’d tell you I would not really be broke after the call. I’d just rather spend my money elsewhere.
Gotta wonder why Steve is criticizing people who dont spend their money on him, why dont we all move on to self-dev business… seriously guys, in the end you will be making easy money while making people happy, people will treat you like a special being call you their guide, guru or whatever the fuck. People will listen to you, your experiences will not pass as the air you breath away, but will be the keystone for your products. Your life will be more valuable. In addition you will get money while the ones you coach are either beating up their sorry asses in a cubicle time consuming job, or a more stressfree!!! wallstreet business. Lets admit it, Law of Attraction does work.
Noticed something I want to share all of you with. This article was written in 2009. Ok its a long time but seriously the writer payed every detail very careful attention as if life of Steve’s was much more important than world politics or discoveries in science. It actually turned into a magazine program where we get to learn every detail no matter what they are about a celebrity, in our case without the glimpse of thigh. Anyway, I wouldn’t pay much attention to this sort of essays but I have to admit it and complain about it. Self-dev business really became an easy make money business. If anyone connects me on this idea, I would highly appreciate starting a business with them in this industry. Our site name would be, No more searching, Here it is!, the site for the development of healthy, vibrant, cheerful people who enjoy each moment of their life and live to the fullest.
Interestingly everybody has something to say about organization and anxiety, yet I see no one around me applying the systems available, not even hybrids or custom made ones. In the end each person lives their preceding situations. Thats why I would start with an article
Cleaning up the mess, how your decisions are blurred because of misinformation bombardment, with no expertise in anything like Kevin Trudeau, I can attack the status quo and show the modern societys inntentions as filled with greed and evil, then I would show that we are the cure……. ok enough although I hate him and his thoughts, this article turned out to be like The Prince. Dangerous dangerous stuff, stay away boooo
I’ve read a number of Steve’s articles and found them interesting and was somewhat surprised (but not completely) to learn about his views on organized religion (Steve happens to be a fallen-away Catholic). I know many Catholics who have left the church and they always have a “reason”. The real reason is simply that they reject Church teaching(s).
I wonder if Steve is starting to understand why the Catholic Church (and every Christian denomination for that matter) condemns adultery? Human freedom is broad but it has its limits. As they say, “no one has the right to yell ‘fire’ in a crowded theatre”. Likewise, no one has the “right” to commit adultery. If Steve had put the welfare of his children ahead of his own desires, he wouldn’t have broken his marriage vows.
I hope him and his wife can reconcile, for the sake of their children.
Why right a 1000 page article about another persons relationship. This is just gossip, when the only reasons for those decisions, or divorce are inside the couple.
I know that I cannot have a polylove relationship because my partner wont take it, if i want other woman more than i want to be with her I divorce.
Kids want happy parents that love them.
I was wondering when this scam artist would crash and burn. He always gave me the creeps. His true character came out in the end. Now this whole slaves thing? He is a perv and very creepy. What he has going now is his longevity online with so much content that was normal.
But honestly since he his sexual awakening, and raw food diet and semi-fame, and it is small , I work in publishing and no one knows who he is…
He is just another nut job/personal life coach/self help/cultish type guy.
I do not think he is attractive at all.
He is a perfect candidate for Scientology actually.
thank you for publishing this. I have read his blog for several years, and it’s true, it began with this very intuitive and wise voice. However, it has descended into a narcissistic rant. It’s very disturbing to read now. I believe that he shifted into something very different than he once was. I still go to his site for the forums, but his writing itself makes me uncomfortable and disgusted.
I, like you, used to love his articles and he truly seemed genuine and made sense. Him and Erin changed my perspective but in the recent years, he seemed to have become far removed, distant from the rest of us, while Erin remained grounded and ‘the same’ (not in a bad way). Occasionally I check up on his blog and not to bash him, what he’s blogged gotten way worse than, say, four years ago. What you have written here resonated with how I felt. Bravo for being reasonable in your discussion about his life because Oh forbid anyone should constructively criticise him or discuss his ways.
However, I do applaud their divorce to go their separate, happier ways; both of them have blogged that they are happier now that they aren’t together. Being a person who has parents who have been staying together, deeply miserable, for the sake of their kids, I fully support their decision and like madona said, “Kids want happy parents that love them.”
Has anyone seen Steve’s recent post about why we should love war, hunger, disease, and inequality, and why he hopes there will be more of them in the future? I really liked some of his other blog posts but it seems like he’s really gone off the deep end this time.
As someone who’s actually been in several polyamorous situations, I say your criticism of polyamory is spot on. The only poly relationships that were successful for me were ones in which I did not have a strong emotional attachment to my partner. And given the rate at which contraception fails and diseases are passed, it would have been small consolation to think of those relationships as “successful” while I was scrounging together money for Planned Parenthood to either Hoover out my uterus or clear up a nasty case of chlamydia. I was very, very lucky.
(Before anyone yells at me, I’ve had two kids and I love them. But I have also had problems with their fathers–yes, plural. At this point, I’m not willing to become a mother again with some guy who won’t stick around and be a proper father. And yes, I put my money where my mouth is: I’ve been celibate for four years. Become a brood mare for the adoption industry? I DON’T THINK SO.)
I just think it’s sad that that’s what it takes to have a “good” relationship, ever: basically, not relating to your partner at all. Making it a cerebral exercise and nothing more. I noticed when I was in that most of the folks in my community were overweight (again I do not speak idly; I am too), less than attractive (ditto), possessed of various other health issues that made them sometimes difficult to live with, or socially awkward. It felt to me, when I stopped to think about it, that they were paying back the world for not caring enough about them by being equally uncaring in return. But don’t tell them that. What, aren’t words enough for you? Why should I have to back them up with deeds? Sheesh.
I made the mistake of pursuing poly because I felt I could not do monogamy. Now I know it was more like “wouldn’t.” But I have matured quite a bit over the last ten years and I think my situation has changed. I’m untested, so at this point I have to guess. Still, knowing how it feels to be cheated on in an environment in which cheating is not supposed to be necessary was an experience I’d have been happier not having.
It’s more accurate to say that if you can’t do monogamy, you can’t do polyamory either. To suggest otherwise is to say that if you don’t have room for one slice, you can eat an entire apple pie instead. Ridiculous, violates all laws of physics (I’m pretty sure), and unworthy of consideration by intelligent, sensible people.
Even if none of the above were true, emotionally healthy people don’t settle for being someone’s side-thang while they get to live their real life with their spouse and kids.
And it was just about never one woman with two male partners. That was the other thing. Totally an ego-stroke for the guys. Again, not an emotionally healthy situation. I am well shut of it.
Many of Steve’s articles are beneficiary. On his polymory decision, i feel like he had considered and analyzed many things before coming to this decision and i admire this quality of his too. But i know for sure that his decision influences many people to make many totally wrong choices. If the coming generations keep on going like this, we will have a world full of people believing that it’s totally ok to do whatever their impulse urges them. Can you imagne what kind of crazy world would that be? We have our sense of right and wrong for many reasons. It is better understand them deeply before we dare to make another choice.
I got to Steve’s website by typing in ‘how to be a man’. Personally if you didn’t like what he wrote about raw food or polyamory or anything else. Just don’t read it or concentrate on it. No one is being hurt, no crime is being committed. What has it go to do with you?
All the best with your blog/website
[...] But it gets weirder – Steve blamed his divorce on – get this – his move to eating raw foods, which amplified his emotions, causing him to actually need to deal with his feelings, which spawned his exploration into a different form of intimacy (polyamory – or in layman’s terms – an open marriage). Got that? An even “deeper causal factor beneath that was [his] commitment to conscious growth. The desire to relate to other people as consciously as possible eventually made it impossible to continue giving [his] power away to an external structure like a marriage.” 8 WTF? So what does “relate to other people as consciously as possible” mean? He was getting popular and wanting to sleep with his “groupies?” (For a brilliant post that translates Steve Pavlina-speak into plain English, see “Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who Are Not His Wife.”) [...]
I too have been inspired by some of Steve’s blogs. But my red flag went up like crazy when I saw him working so hard to justify why the changes in his relationship with his wife, were in the interest of everyone’s personal growth. I actually had to do some digging in my own head to double check that the place I was coming from, didn’t have to do with personal emotional baggage. But there’s just no getting around it; this just isn’t right. To be fair…Steve Pavlina is human. He’s not a God. And as such, he’s entitled to make mistakes. I don’t hold what he’s attempting to feed his readers, against him. But I do think it would be smart to do what he’s advised in the past…and that is, think for yourself. And learn to read between the lines.
I think the great thing about Steve Pavlina is that he openly states his mission as ‘personal development for smart people’. Therefore his ideal audience is a group of people who choose to exercise their ability to think for themselves, use their own free will, make up their own mind and take responsibility for their own lives.
I became suspicious of this slime-bag back in 2006, after reading this little nugget in one of his blogs:
“I’ll bet my wife is toasty warm right now. She told me she hates it when I try to snuggle her at 6am, but so what… she loves me enough to forgive me, right? I know… I’ll start massaging her back and shoulders first. She can’t resist a good massage, even so early in the morning. Then I’ll transition to a head scratching. Yeah, that’ll do it. And then slide right into the spoon position. Won’t that be a pleasant way to start the day?”
Purusing sex with someone who has repeatedly asked you not to in a particular situation? The word for this behavior is RAPE.
Later I learned from Pavlina’s blog that his wife had a history of sexual abuse. Not uncommon for a woman like that to chronically link up with abusive men.
Glad for her that they are now divorced, but I do feel sorry for the children. Hope she took him to the cleaners in the settlement.
Brilliant. You nailed it.
Steve Pavlina and the “Law” of attraction are some of the stupidest things to happen to society. At best, he’s a moron. At worst, he’s a con-man.