Internet Self-Help Guru Steve Pavlina Decides to Have Sex with Women Who Are Not His Wife
Posted in: Blogging, Personal Development | Comments (9)
Photo by: Nevit Dilmen
For the past several years I have been following Steve Pavlina’s Personal Development blog, www.stevepavlina.com. I first stumbled across his blog about three years ago after typing in the words, “what is my life’s purpose,” into Google, whereupon I landed at this blog post. I was amazed at the virtual poetry of his writing style and loved the simplicity of the actual advice, which he boiled down into four simple steps:
Here’s what to do:
- Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
- Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
- Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
- Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.
After reading this article and getting inspired about the possibilities in my own life I found myself digesting reams and reams of his articles on a variety of topics that were unique, engaging, and enlightening. The most notable aspect of Pavlina’s blog is the sheer size of the thing. It has hundreds and hundreds of interesting articles. A lot of value for free. Pavlina inspired me to start this blog, and I used his suggestions and advice as to how to go about doing it.
Over the years, like many habits or interests, I found myself less mystified with Pavlina, especially when he took up a raw diet and seemed to post about his experiences in that area endlessly. Having a lot of experience with holistic nutrition and in the natural products industry, I’ve known many raw-foodists and my impression is that while consuming raw food should be an important component in our diet, going all-raw can be a bit extreme and the disciples of that mode of thought can at times appear a bit fanatical. Perhaps this was a warning sign.
That being said, I still read his other personal development articles with some level of interest and was reasonably excited when he announced that he would be publishing his first book in the fall of 2008. I even obtained an advanced press copy of the book, “Personal Development for Smart People,” in order to write a review of it on my blog. The enticing thing about writing a review of the book was that Steve promised to post links to reviewers’ blogs on his website, which receives many thousands of visits per day.
After getting my copy of the book I read it quickly and thoroughly. I can’t say it was easy to read quickly because not long after opening it did I realize that something within its pages wasn’t resonating with me. While I loved many of his personal development and entrepreneurialism blog posts, something was preventing me from connecting to his book and to this day I can’t exactly find the words to describe how I feel about it.
A former computer games programmer, Pavlina gives the impression that he lives his life as if it were some grand math problem or scientific experiment. That attitude towards life creates ample opportunity for writing about experiences and personal trials in a unique way, but ultimately in such a fashion that the replication of which would be impractical or impossible for many of us “regular people.”
An example: Pavlina writes several articles about the merits of “Polyphasic Sleep,” which basically entails abandoning the traditional method of sleeping 6-8 hours a night for a series of shorter naps throughout any given 24-hour period. The first thought I had while reading about this was, “cool,” given how he was able to come up with so much additional time to complete projects and be productive. The second thought I had was,”How the hell does his wife deal with him?,” knowing that my wife would never stand for me not going to bed with her and being up all hours of the night.
“Polyamory,” the Next Great Pursuit of Steve Pavlina
Which brings me to the point of my post. So Steve Pavlina’s wife, Erin, is also a blogger and the focus of her work is on Psychic Readings. He mentions her frequently in his blog and if you read Pavlina enough, you get the sense that you understand a little bit about how their relationship works.
Recently, however, Pavlina began writing about feeling unfulfilled in his marriage. That he had all of this “love” to give but felt that he couldn’t sufficiently express it within the context of a traditional monogamous marriage. This came as a surprise to me, but I was even more surprised when he announced to his readers this week that he was going to abandon his monogamous marriage for a “polyamorous” lifestyle, which basically entails opening up the marriage so he can have sex with other women. I mean, so he can share his “love” with other women.
On one level, I don’t want to be one to judge anybody else’s lifestyle choices, especially given the nature of my own blog, in which my objective here is to Quiet the Monkey Mind, the judgmental, chattering beast within who wants to make others wrong without seeing my flaws or lessons to be learned in my own life. On the other hand, I can’t help but experience some outrage and disgust, not necessarily with his choice, but with the blatant rationalizations and seemingly ego-guided reasons behind his decision. I am especially turned off by Pavlina’s justification of his decision to seek out sex (loving relationships) with women outside his marriage because he markets himself as a self-help guru who lives consciously and encourages others to do so, but this particular choice, when you dissect his rationalizations behind it, has very little to do with conscious living and just about everything do with trying to find ways to satisfy his sexual urges.
The other thing that really seems creepy about the whole thing is his unwillingness to accept that his two children (five and eight years old, respectively) might possibly be harmed by daddy’s new personal development project. Finally, there’s his wife, Erin, seemingly unwillingly placed in the middle of Steve’s latest escapade. He reports that she’s okay with his choice, but if you check out her blog here, you’ll find that she mentions nothing of this new “joint” decision to allow Stevie to wet his wick elsewhere. In fact, I would think that if his wife Erin were so on board with his latest endeavor, she would probably write a post about how she supports his choice and is excited about having sex with other men. But instead, what you will see is a post about her attempt to go on a raw-diet for 30 days (emulating her husband’s penchant for 30-day trials) with her apparent objective to shed some weight from her nearly 200-pound frame.
I mention Erin’s weight because this situation reminds me a bit of John and Elizabeth Edwards, in that there seemed to be such a mismatch in terms of physical appearances between these two that it seemed only logical that the better looking half of the partnership would be seeking out opportunities to share his “love” with women outside the marriage. When it was announced that John had in fact been involved with another woman, was anyone really that surprised, other than John-boy himself, who was probably so deluded by his own ego that he:
1) Thought what he was doing was okay, or
2) Thought he was so talented that he could get away with a clear no-no.
What does this have to do with Steve Pavlina and his wife, Erin? Well, if you’ve spent any time at all on his blog, you will notice that Steve writes frequently about diet, physical exercise, and overall nutrition. I wouldn’t exactly call the man a lady-killer, but he’s reasonably attractive and obviously physically fit. Then you see photos of Erin Pavlina, who clearly doesn’t embody the picture of personal fitness. I asked myself when I saw a recent picture of the two of them at some event with some other fauthors rom his publishing house, why this supposed master of personal development doesn’t coach his own wife to achieve a healthy weight? I instantly thought that there was a physical attraction mismatch within the relationship and it all suddenly made sense a few weeks later when Steve announced to the world that his next great experiment would be to spread his overwhelming love with other women within the context of sexual relationships.
My Take on What is Going On With Steve
The man is enjoying new levels of riches and fame with the publication of his debut book. He speaks all over the country at various seminars and events. Considering the demographics of the self-help market is dominated by women, undoubtedly he has inspired many women to change their lives for the better and has experienced the temptation of fulfilling his sexual desires with these many women who now look at him starry-eyed, as if he’s a master, a guru, with great knowledge and experience to endow upon others. I have seen this so many times, when men dispelling advice or coaching to women get caught up enmeshed in temptation. Fueled by his ego and the idea that he can do no wrong and justify all of his experiences as personal development challenges, he decides that there is a way to satisfy his carnal desires without having to go through a messy divorce, especially now that his assets are significantly greater than when he first hooked up with Erin. The classic “having your cake and eating it too” syndrome he could enact, masquerading as a noble desire to simply experience more love in the world, as if loving a wife and two kids were not enough. As if love could not be expressed by helping the homeless or ending hunger or starting a foundation, as if love expression only entailed penis insertion in new and exciting locales!
What bothers me most about his choice is again, not the choice itself. It’s the reasons behind the choice which I’ll go into greater detail now, addressing several of the points he makes in his lengthy diatribe defending his decision.
Dear Erin
He begins perhaps by speaking directly to his wife in a section labeled, “Hurt,” in which he celebrates hurt as a path towards greater love (so as to convince his wife and family that getting hurt by his choice will only lead to the expansion of their love):
Even when you’re faced with negative emotions, can you see beyond them and consciously choose to respond with love instead of reacting with fear?
Can you see how helpful this process is in the long run? The more you get hurt, the more you develop your ability to choose love.
Isn’t it better to accept the hurt as it comes, process it, let it go, and then move on? The human heart has a great capacity to heal. If you get hurt, you’ll recover. If you hurt others, they’ll recover too.
Translation: Honey, don’t you see that by allowing me to share my love with others, the hurt that you may experience is simply an opportunity for you to grow? Don’t you remember that you and I chose a path of growth, so shouldn’t you be excited by this new chance to expand your consciousness?
Allow the manipulation to commence. There is nothing conscious about intentionally hurting other people in the pursuit of your own growth.
Then, Steve goes further down this road, justifying causing others’ hurt as a method of staring down fear in the face, as if conquering fear, whatever the cost, is justifiable. Then he tips his hand a bit as to his true intentions, with a allusion to Scooby Doo that is simultaneously incredibly geeky and rather perverted:
It’s better to experience (or cause) one real broken heart than to fear a thousand imaginary ones.
But I can’t live my life cowering under the covers like Shaggy and Scooby. I’m gonna be kick-ass Fred.
You just know Fred was all over Daphne and Velma in the back of the Mystery Machine.
This guy is a self-help guru?
Next, Steve goes on to discuss the institution of marriage, which he refers to as a “consciousness-lowering bugaboo,” and “some sort of disease.” Then, in an odd turn, he half-heartedly celebrates his own marriage:
That being said, I’m actually glad I got married. Huh? The reason I say that is that being married for so long (almost 11 years) has helped me understand and relate to other people who are married. I rather like that I can share my thoughts about marriage as an insider. There’s just no way I could understand the realities of marriage if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Obviously with only one marriage under my belt, I may not be the world’s greatest expert on the subject, but it’s a lot better than having zero experience.
Translation: You’re cool and all, honey, but really this marriage has been nothing more than a bullet on my “self-help guru” resume. How can I dispel advice to others on relationships if I haven’t been in one myself? Now that I have that block checked, I ‘m ready to parlay this marriage in to greater opportunities to sell my personal development services.
Next, in one of his more sickening rationalizations, Steve talks about his kids and family, saying that people who criticize his choice don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t personally know his five and eight-year old kids. He says:
Overall I expect that this change will be very positive for my kids.
Emily and Kyle are both very social and love meeting new people. Whenever we have house guests, my kids love interacting with them.
My son Kyle loves to say to people, “Come play Halo with me, so I can kick your butt!” He’s quite a trash talker when he plays, which is pretty funny to see from a five year-old.
Past experience tells me that my kids love it when interesting, open-minded people are brought into our lives. It just means more people for them to socialize with. The extra stimulation is good for them.
Do you have a clue what it’s like to have a personal development expert and a psychic medium as your parents? My daughter actually goes around telling her classmates, “My Daddy is the smartest man on earth, and my Mommy talks to dead people.”
Keep in mind that my kids share much of my DNA. First, that alone should scare you. Secondly, if you try to convince them they’re going to be damaged by my choices, they’ll just laugh at you. Then my son will proceed to kick your butt at Halo,
Translation: Honey, you know how much our kids like to meet new people, just think of much they’ll grow and learn from the litany of strange people that I’ll be bringing home. They will get a real kick out of coming into my bed in the morning and making a game out of trying to guess what kind of lady daddy brought home last night. Plus, my polyamorous friends will be great play partners for our kids. Just think, you could get a lot of work done while my sex partners play with our children! Oh and by the way, I’m the smartest man on Earth.
By the way, I know that Halo is a pretty intense, violent video game and it personally disturbs me to know that a five-year old is playing a game like that. The last line is the kicker: my choice is right and if you question my choice my kids will laugh at you, which only backs up that I’m right! It is stunning to read this coming from a person who teaches a pursuit of higher consciousness. And by the way, why exactly should be “scared” about the fact that your children share your DNA. Do you know something we don’t, that you are an ego-maniac whose genes actually shouldn’t be spread? Or are you just so scary smart that more of you on the planet will tip the balance of humanity and existence itself in favor of the super-race you are creating? Odd comment, to say the least.
Next Steve plugs his tiresome book, by breaking down Polyamory according to the “Univeral Growth Principles” he identifies in “Personal Development for Smart People.”
Truth - Polyamory can be practiced with total openness and honesty and no deception.
Real truth would be admitting to himself and the world that he is desperately trying to satisfy his sexual desires. Instead of practicing a little self-discipline (which he touts frequently in his other blog posts), he will create a situation in which he doesn’t have to lie or be deceitful to his wife about having sex with other women, and then gets to trumpet that noble decision as an expression of truth. In other words, he gets to dump his garbage on his wife and then call it being truthful, which he can later celebrate as an expression of virtue.
Love - Polyamory means many loves. Creating and maintaining authentic, loving connections is its very core.
Real love would be to set his wife and family free from his sexual cravings. The term “Polyamory” is one of the great circumlocutions or oxymorons in our language, like calling a nuclear missile a “Peacekeeper.” Yes, it may have kept the world out of some conflicts, but to call a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the Earth dozens of times over a Peacekeeper is a bit of linguistic gymnastics. Knowing how difficult it is to grow and maintain the loves in my life (my wife, child, unborn child, and extended family) the thought of complicating life with more people, emotions, and expectations is mind-boggling. The only way I could see it working is for it truly just be about the sex because there’s no real way for a man to fully be present and in the state of love at all times with multiple women. It’s hard enough to manage one’s job and one’s wife, or to juggle giving love and affection to both a child and a spouse. Steve essentially equates love with sex, and while love certainly can involve sex, it is perfectly possible to express love without intercourse. A guy with his influence and reach and many millions of readers could expand love in the world in a myriad of ways. Sleeping with other women is just that, sleeping with other women.
Power - Will polyamory be empowering? It will be a major growth experience to learn about it and practice it, so regardless of what degree of success I enjoy, it will empower me to grow. It will also require me to further develop my self-discipline, my communication skills, and more. This is a path that will surely build strength, not one that will feed weakness.
I honestly don’t know how to tackle this one, he’s just so off base. I’m not sure how sleeping around develops self-discipline. Weren’t many of the great masters celebate, anyway?
Courage (Love + Power) - Is this the courageous path or the cowardly path? It should be pretty obvious that going polyamorous, and especially writing about it along the way, takes Courage.
Real courage would be having the balls to divorce his wife and face the possibility of losing his wealth and his family in pursuit of his desire to have sex with many women. Steve is a skilled communicator (manipulator) for sure, who would rather attempt to convince his poor wife that this is a great choice so he doesn’t have to gather up the courage to make a choice that might be uncomfortable and costly, both financially and emotionally.
There’s a lot more to rail on about in his blog post, but I’ll wrap it up here for now. But first, one last point from Steve that simply can’t go without commentary:
My primary aim is to become as truthful, loving, and strong in character as I can (i.e. aligned with Truth, Love, and Power)… and to share what I learn as my legacy to humanity. We’ll see how far I can get before I’m assassinated.
Um, ever heard of messiah/martyr complex? Hey Steve, newsflash: living out your sexual fantasies doesn’t make you Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, MLK, JFK, or RFK. I guess literally spreading his seed is a legacy to humanity, perhaps in the form of more little Stevies running around as a result of this experiment, but come on, isn’t this comment going a bit too far in the category of adoration of self? Steve - you’re sticking your willie in lots of places, not feeding the masses!
Finally, a man supposedly dedicated to oneness, openness, and consciousness refuses to engage in any sort of debate over the merits of his decision. As if he knows the law and questioning of the law will result in expulsion from the school of personal development:
I recommend that the people who [disagree with his choice] should go back to my very first article (The Courage to Live Consciously) and start over from scratch, since obviously the message about living consciously hasn’t gotten through to them yet. Go back and chew on 2004 for a while. I’ll still be here when you’re caught up.
Translation: I know what consciousness is and you don’t. If you don’t agree with me, that just means you haven’t “gotten it” yet and need to start over on your path.
In some circles, we would call this type of thinking the markers of a “Cult of Personality,” wherein the Supreme Leader knows the laws and creates the laws by whatever actions he wishes to engage in. Disagreement results in ridicule, accusations of lack of consciousness, banishment, or worse.
The last thing I’ll say about this today is, Steve, there’s a resource for people like you and it’s not the “Polyamory” community. It’s called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and their website is right here. And guess what, you don’t have to pay some self-trained personal development guru to help you. It’s absolutely free.
And if that doesn’t work, get a puppy.
P.S. Unlike Mr. Pavlina, I welcome debate on this subject. I look forward to reading your comments.
Sphere: Related ContentThe Monkey @ January 4, 2009
The 2008 NFL Regular Season: The Football Gods at Play
Posted in: NFL | Comments (0)
The Green Bay Packers: Living Up to a Monkey’s Expectations
While it seemed many sports pundits and fans alike had high hopes for the 2008 Green Bay Packers and fully expected them to continue their winning ways with first-time starting QB Aaron Rodgers at the helm, the Monkey and I were among the few voices out there who not only sided against the Packers organization re: the handling of the “Brett Favre Saga,” but also predicted that the team without their legendary QB in the huddle would struggle mightily in 2008 to recapture their success from 2007.
In fact, we predicted exactly what would happen in 2008, that the team would go 6-10.
Full disclosure here, though: we also predicted that the Jets and Brett Favre would go 11-5, but we’ll talk more about the reasons behind that team’s collapse later.
What we didn’t predict, however, was the fact that much of the unravelling of the Pack in 2008 would have less to do with their young quarterback and more to do with the inability of their defense to put teams away, despite their proclivity for creating turnovers and scoring on the defensive side of the ball.
Packers fans should not be disheartened by the play of Aaron Rodgers, however. Not only did the young man show tremendous poise throughout the offseason drama, when the season kicked off, he also demonstrated strong physical and atheletic ability, as well as demonstrated leadership throughout the course of what must have been a very frustrating season for fans and the Packers organization alike.
In my August post predicting the Packers’ losing season and other posts I wrote during that time period, I spoke frequently about the Football Gods smiting the Packers with a season of futility as payback for their hubris and handling of their former star quarterback. While I still believe the Packers made a mistake by discarding Favre, if one defines success as the Packers putting together a winning season (as opposed to writing the season off as a developmental year), I now realize that the Football Gods weren’t necessarily going to reward the New York Jets either, just because they signed the aging legend…
Jet or Decrepit?
The New York Jets: “Decrepit” Favre
After watching many of the 2008 Jet games, it seems this organization too bore the brunt of the payback from the Football Gods in return for their casting away of former Jet QB Chad Pennington, who like the Prodigal Son, came back home to New York (Jersey) to put the nail in the coffin of train-wreck of a season for the Big Apple’s JV Football Club. It’s rather odd to think that by dropping Pennington from the Jet roster, Head Coach Eric Mangini became the cause of his own unravelling and eventual firing in New York, as the man he hired to replace Chad, Favre, perhaps bears the most responsibility for literally throwing the final game away in the form of three disgusting, ugly, and horrifying interceptions.
And while the Jets were already eliminated from playoff contention at kickoff with a Patriots win earlier in the day, their final game against Miami and Pennington might possibly serve as a microcosm of their season: flashes of brilliance intermixed with displays of ineptitude yielding overwhelming mediocrity.
The Next Elway?
The Denver Broncos: What Goes Around Comes Around
Just a few days before their final game of the season, in which the Broncos were utterly annihilated and humiliated by the San Diego Chargers on national television, the Monkey and I were ruminating on the fact that if it weren’t for Mike Shanahan, Jake “the Snake” Plummer might still be employed today as a NFL quarterback. Granted, his play was at times erratic, but he still brought his team to the AFC Championship the year before he got the hook and led the team to a 7-4 record the next season before he was benched in favor of then-rooke Jay Cutler. From that point on, while it seems like every sports pundit in the world has hailed Jay Cutler as one of the elite QB’s in the NFL, he’s done nothing to elevate this storied franchise beyond three straight seasons of a hair worse than mediocre (7-9 thrice).
While the Monkey and I have no beef with Cutler himself, we believe that Shanahan’s benching of Plummer was pure hubris, that the coach had to prove himself the wise offensive sage, “The Mastermind,” by giving his young draft pick the reins of the organization perhaps prematurely, at the expense of a guy, who love him or hate him, got it done for the Broncos in a more significant way than any other QB since Mr. Bronco himself, John Elway. It took a little time for the Football Gods to exert their payback, but finally two years after effectively ending Plummer’s career did Mike Shanahan find himself out of a job in Denver. Kind of puts a crimp in his plans to build a 35,000 square foot mega-house in the Denver area, doesn’t it?
The Most Talented Team in NFL?
The Dallas Cowboys: Leadership Vacuum
Prior to kickoff at the Dallas-Philly season finale, Fox Sideline Reporter Pam Oliver contrasted the mood and outlook of each team’s leaders. Referring to Eagles Safety Brian Dawkins (otherwise known as Weapon X), she discussed his outlook for the game, which embodied pure excitement and motivation to defeat the “hated” Cowboys on the field. On the other hand, when she talked to Dallas QB Tony Romo, she reported that his desire was to relax out there and play the game “with a smile on his face.” Nothing better defines the contrast between the scrappy Philly club who clawed their way to a NFC playoff spot, along the way destroying the Dallas Cowboys 44-6 in a such a resounding and utterly humiliating fashion, and the Dallas Cowboys, the league posterboys for posturing, melo-drama, and late season collapses. I commented earlier in the season that Dallas suffers from a severe absence in the leadership department and this final game of the 2008 encapsulates that predicament in a stunning way.
From their lackadasical, playoff-allergic QB, to their “me-first” corps of wide receivers, to their meddling ego-maniacal owner, to their anemic Head Coach, the Dallas Cowboys are in disarray like few other teams in the league. Their 9-7 season, while perhaps an attractive record to struggling clubs in the AFC West, is a debacle given the apparently misguided reputation of their roster’s talent level. It’s weird to think that the mediocre Washington Redskins have posted more playoff wins than the Dallas Cowboys since the ‘Boys last Superbowl victory over 12 years ago.
Is the Cowboy’s current futility the Football Gods’ payback of Owner/GM Jerry Jones’ unceremonious dismissal of Cowboys legend Tom Landry? If so, then their payback took several years to exact, after Jones and the ‘Boys won three Superbowls under two headstrong Head Coaches, Jimmy Jones and Barry Switzer. Perhaps the Gods allowed the Cowboys to enjoy early success so as to make their revenge even more palpable now. Since taking the reins as GM in 1993, there is no one to blame for the misfortunes of the Cowboys other than Jerry Jones.
While a brilliant marketer, Jones has made regrettable hiring decisions in the Head Coaching department (perhaps outside of Bill Parcells, but perhaps including the Tuna as well). The Gods favor humility (Dungy), discipline (Coughlin), grit (Cowher), and relentlessness (Belichick, pre-Spygate), and will continue to smite the Cowboys until they change their culture of flash but no bang.
A New Era in Hot-lanta
The Atlanta Falcons: Phoenix From the Ashes
It is apt that a team named after a much celebrated bird of prey model their return to a prominence after a mythological bird. Just over a year ago, I wrote a post which was basically an open letter to Falcons’ Owner Arthur Blank, with suggestions on how to move forward on the heels of the Mike Vick sentencing and Bobby Petrino jumping ship from the team after posting a 0.23 winning percentage with three games remaining in the season.
While Mr. Blank didn’t follow my suggestions to the letter, he did orchestrate one of the most stunning single-season turnarounds in NFL history. The Atlanta Falcons replaced a magically gifted QB in the form of Vick (on the field only, of course), in a racially divided city with a young white draft pick from Boston College with enormous shoes to fill both in terms of his future play on the field and his impact in the community, which had elevated Vick to god-like status prior to his fall from grace.
Instead of forcing Ryan to play in a system created to highlight the talents of Vick, new Head Coach Mike Smith recreated the offensive game entirely to suit Ryan’s skills, preventing the young QB from attempting to do the impossible: mimic Mike Vick’s signature style. This fact alone is pretty remarkable, considering his defensive background prior to being named to his first head coaching post. With Vick running the show, the Falcons had been a dominant force in the rushing department for the past several seasons and wisely, Coach Smith harnessed the team’s inherent ability to create rushing lanes but complemented that running attack with a more traditional pocket passer that Mike Vick never was.
Besides the abundant talent in their new franchise QB, complemented by the power rushing game led by Michael Turner, it’s hard to put a finger on exactly how the Falcons were able to succeed so quickly. Perhaps some of their success can be attributed to the “easy” schedule on the heels of a 3-13 campaign. I don’t necessarily buy the easy schedule argument because only two games on any NFL’s team’s schedule are a reflection of their finish in the previous year (the Falcons finished fourth in their Division, so they got to face the other fourth-place finishers in the NFC: the Eagles, a 2008 playoff team, and the Rams). I think much of their success comes from their willingness to put the past behind them. They took a chance on a head coach with no head coaching experience. They took a chance on a rookie QB who’s experience was with a team playing in a weak NCAA Conference. And they took a chance on a mostly unproven running back.
The Football Gods wanted the Falcons to shine in the wake of the Michael Vick/Bobby Petrino disaster, much like they smiled upon the New Orleans Saints in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. And oh, by the way, former Falcon Coach Bobby Petrino finished up at 5-7 for Arkansas this year. The Football Gods had a hand in that, too.
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The Monkey @ January 2, 2009
What To Do About Bad News: 4 Simple Steps
Posted in: Personal Development | Comments (0)
Images by: Steve Knight and Miamiamia
If you happen to watch the news or read about current events on the internet on a daily basis you are exposing yourself to a large quantity of negative images, stories, and messages. A quick glance of the headlines on CNN.com right now reveals that out of 19 headlines, 6 are negative stories while another 4 articles are somewhat neutral stories about negative issues. And several of these negative stories are more than just reporting bad news; the details of a few stories currently gracing the headlines are downright horrific, but of course I won’t go into any further detail than that.
With so much negative stimuli, sometimes it’s difficult to maintain a positive outlook, even if we are not aware of outwardly carrying around these negative messages. The problem is that with continued exposure to negative or disturbing stimuli, the subconscious mind cannot help but store away those images and stories and create a mental blueprint that the world is a scary, threatening, and devastating place, and the best recipe for dealing with these negative stimuli is to simply fill our lives with substitute positive experiences, to include overeating sweet or fatty foods, taking a leave of absence from everyday life by watching excessive amounts of television, overconsuming alcohol or drugs, or engaging in other destructive behavior patterns.
Even for those of us who don’t habitually seek out these negative stimuli in the form of regular tv watching or internet news-reading, or mitigate the effects of bad news with the destructive behaviors described above, we can still unwittingly and unintentionally expose ourselves to negative messages. An example of this would be if you are logging onto an internet email service like AOL or Yahoo and you can’t help but notice a news story on the sidebar about some calamity or horrific event. For many of us it’s impossible to not click on the story, even for a moment, or otherwise avert our eyes from the negative stimulus. So the question is, what do we do once we’ve exposed ourselves to bad news and how can we return to a place of positivity?
This conundrum reminds me of a question I’ve heard from my two-year daughter at least a half-dozen times over the past several months. We’ll be out playing or doing some activity and suddenly, out of the blue, she will ask, “Daddy what do you do when you’re scared?” Sometimes I ask her if she’s scared currently in that moment, to get a gauge of what she might be sensing to urge her to ask a question like that. Other times, I don’t focus much on the state of being scared and simply reply, “I think happy thoughts.” Usually that response is enough for her, and she seems to be able to return to whatever we were doing before her question was asked. While over-simple, and perhaps trite, the answer I gave contains the fundamental truth not only in returning to a positive mental state from a negative mind trip, but also in manifesting positive outcomes in all areas of our lives. As U.S. Andersen and others have boldly pronounced: “Thoughts become things,” so it only makes sense that the more we think positively, the more we create positive things in our life experience.
But how do we dispel negative images and messages?
The problem with disturbing images or messages is that they have an extremely “sticky” nature, oddly enough for many of us in stark contrast to positive images. In other words, negative messages tend to stay with us, while positive images tend to be fleeting and ephemeral.
An example: you threw a great party at your new home. Neighbors, family members, and other guests all graced your presence by attending. All remarked on your wonderful new home, all commented that they loved the food that you prepared and served. Throughout the course of the evening you noticed your guests enjoying themselves, chatting animatedly, engaging in planned activities, socializing, and otherwise making the affair a rousing success. And yet, one guest or friend or family member appeared dissatisfied. Didn’t positively comment on anything you served or planned. Even had the gall to not say a single positive thing about your new home. That night, as you and your spouse went to bed, the only thing on your mind wasn’t the success that the party was, but instead was the resentment and upset you experienced regarding that one guest’s lack of enthusiasm or otherwise explicit distaste for what you had to offer. Here you are, on the heels of a successful gathering, wherein you received bountiful appreciation and recognition for your efforts, and the only thing your Monkey Mind can do is focus on the one person who wasn’t onboard the positive bandwagon.
This example shows just how powerful negative thought patterns can be, even in a relatively minor daily upset, especially in terms of their permanence and pervasiveness. But don’t be fooled, even focusing on a series of minor upsets will eventually cascade into a deeper dissatisfaction with life in general. This is why in order to overcome negative messaging we must literally dedicate our lives and our waking moments towards expanding the positive. We have our work cut out for us in this regard due to the ubiquitousness of negative influences in our world
Does this mean that the negative is powerful than the positive?
I would argue no. In fact I would posit that the two forces are equal and opposite. It is just that the negative programming is so complete and thorough within our society and our consciousness that it takes intentional regular practice to overcome its influence and reorient our minds in a positive manner.
Steps to Take
1. Practice Awareness. This will always underpin all of our efforts towards living a more fulfilling and positive life. Awareness is the key to everything because how will be able to fix our situation if we don’t even know we’re in it. In a nutshell, the Art of Awareness is achieved in part through a daily practice of meditation, wherein we are able to temporarily shut down the Monkey Mind so as to connect to the present moment. Very often when we connect to the present do we realize that at this moment in time, despite what’s going on in the Middle East or with our family or with our finances, everything is actually okay. We are alive. Breathing. Conscious. Once we’ve established even a rudimentary meditation practice we will notice that we are soon able to bring this awareness into our active life, into our interactions with others, and into our experiences in the physical world.
Awareness helps us realize that the image we are watching or the message we are listening to or reading is in fact negative. Awareness provides us with the tools to start making healthy choices for our lives. Only with awareness can we consciously come to know whether the situation we are current experiencing is positive or negative. If it’s negative we can choose to change our surroundings, turn off the messaging or imaging, or otherwise to return to a more healthy and positive environment.
2. Turn Off the TV. If we can’t turn off the TV entirely, can we make a pledge to not watch any news? You will be amazed out how much of tv news is comprised of negative messaging, especially local news.
But it’s not just the news. Many of the shows we commonly refer to as “entertainment” contain abundant images and messages of murder, betrayal, violence, theft, lying, scheming, and a host of other negative concepts.
Are you TV addict or engage in “must-see” TV? If so, perhaps you can commit to shutting off the TV for a single day. Others might be able to take week-long break. Several years ago my wife and I decided to take a month off TV. At the time we were watching several hours per night, mostly political news and reality TV like “The Apprentice.” By taking a month off, neither of us wanted to go back to TV and now don’t watch any shows on a regular basis and only watch political news on MSNBC perhaps once or twice a month. The only thing I now watch regularly is coverage of the NFL, and possibly the NBA playoffs.
3. Change Your Internet Homepage.
For many of us, when we click on our internet browser icon to get started browsing, we often begin with a homepage that includes links to news stories (like Yahoo), or is an actual news website like CNN.com or Foxnews.com. You can go to the Internet Options of your browser’s menu to change your homepage quickly and easily. This prevents you from accidentally seeing negative articles or messages. My default homepage is just google.com and I don’t have a customized google page anymore because I would find myself getting distracted with links there, even if the links weren’t neccessarily negative per se. You can also seek out some kind of “positive news” aggregate site, like Dailygood.org or this one here called Happynews.com.
4. Re-Direct Your Focus.
Image by: Miamiamia
This refers to vignette I described about my daughter’s questioning about what do when she’s scared. Redirecting our focus is key not only to discarding negativity but also for a positive habit we’d like to embrace or goal we’d like to accomplish. It is essential that we frequently gauge where we are (Practice Awareness), so if we are in an experience or situation that doesn’t serve us, we can refocus onto our goals or desired destination if need be. The Art of Focusing can be difficult if our redirecting muscles are not trained, so we can better serve ourselves by exercising these muscles on a daily basis so we can flex them when the situation arises. This means adding a positive visualization and blueprinting practice onto our daily meditation practice.
I find that one of the most effective ways to redirect my focus is to use a variety of visualization tools in the form of audio tapes and CD’s to help keep me in track. I have some audio programs that are simply relaxing music, but I prefer certain programs that also include verbal messaging to help keep my Monkey Mind out of the equation and keep my intentions lined up with my mental focus. One series of audio programs that I whole-heartedly recommend (and describe in greater detail in a blog post here) is created by Melissa Zollo, in which the self-described “Imagist” uses powerful verbal cues to help listeners focus on the results of their desires. I try to do this program every single day and I have found it to be a virtually unparrelled technique for redirect my mental focus towards the results of my desires.
If you can’t afford an audio program or it’s simply not practical for you, you can still enjoy the fruits of such a program on your own. Simply place yourself in a relatively quiet, private location and focus your mental energy on the positive outcome you wish to achieve. Don’t just think about what you want, try to urge your mind to actually recreate the emotional and “feeling” experience of already achieving your particular goal or desire. What would it feel like, sound like, look like? Who would you talk to about it if it occurred?
Once you’ve secured a clear mental experience of your goal or desire, now’s when you begin the active process of mental blueprinting. Actually speak outloud to yourself using the power phrase, “I AM…” to convey the new state you’d like to be in, filling in the blank with “rich, safe, secure, magnetic, attracting, in love, loved,” etc. Choose a variety of states that you’d like to currently embody. Do this long enough to feel empowered, rich, attracting, safe, magnetic, or whatever your heart’s desire is.
Results Are Virtually Immediate
If you practice these four steps on a regular basis whenever you wish to overcome negative stimuli, you will be absolutely amazed at how powerful and quickly effective these techniques are. Just yesterday I used the audio program to redirect my mental blueprint towards prosperity and not five minutes later did I receive a phone call that I was to receive a completely unexpected (and much needed) sum of money.
My “bad news” is often fear of financial insecurity. This is the challenge that Universal Mind is asking me to overcome. I have used this four-step process to achieve a record month in sales, to acquire my dream home, to obtain funds for an auto repair, and most recently to acquire funds for an unexpected financial emergency. The only times that I fall into a place of wallowing amid “bad news” is when I fail to take these positive steps to move towards my desired intentions. Try these four steps for a week and watch the results come.
The Monkey and I would love to hear your success stories!
If you have positive experiences using these four steps or have other suggestions about overcoming negative stimuli, please email me or comment on this blog post.
Sphere: Related ContentThe Monkey @ December 31, 2008
Overcoming Defensiveness, Part 4: How to Cage the Savage Beast of Self
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Images by: Sam LeVan, Lynne Lancaster
Last week I was sitting in the “pews” during our Sunday spiritual service and noticed a brass placard affixed to the seat in front of me. The seats to the right and left of the one in front of me also had brass placards, both of which were engraved with the names of so-and-so who evidently donated some money and received a undelible record of that fact. The one in front of me was different, however, and seemed to carry a message that was targeted specifically towards Me and the Monkey, and it read:
“Do what love is asking of you in this moment.”
Reflecting upon this message, I found it to be an excellent starting point for the process of quieting our Monkey so as to overcome everyday defensiveness and live a better life.
For those of us who suffer from the disease of the Monkey Mind called defensiveness, we often live life on the edge of a slippery slope, gaining control and serenity of the whims of the ego for patches of time, only to be thrown off the path of higher consciousness when we least expect it. Once off the path, gaining control once again can be Herculean task, like tires spinning in snow, losing traction, losing momentum and burning a lot of energy with little result, all the while slipping down the slope, in the exact opposite direction of where we want to go.
We become aware of a bout of defensiveness and then become defensive over that very revelation, spinning into a cycle of self-loathing and seething temperment that alienates others and only makes our predicament worse. How to stop the spinning wheels? How to slam a “monkey wrench” into the Monkey Mind and at least stop the bleeding before we self-destruct and/or cause ruin to our family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and strangers alike?
The first sub-task to master in the overall campaign to overcome defensiveness is the art of awareness. It is virtually impossible to overcome defensiveness or any other malady of the mind without first becoming aware of its presence. The trick here of course is to recognize the swelling emotions of defensiveness before they spill out in the form of angry reactions towards those we love or our colleagues. How do we do this when we are in the throws of defensiveness? In other words, how do we increase our present moment awareness, especially when we are in the midst of triggering events?
The most effective way to increase present moment awareness is by dedicating time during each day, away from the world, ideally in quiet solitude, to focus on awareness. In this way, we are building up “reserves” of awareness that we may draw upon in times of need. By growing a reservoir of awareness in times of quiet or serenity, we may turn to these reserves when we are mentally, physically, and spiritually taxed during our everyday lives. Many of us do this in the form of daily meditation. There are many ways to meditate, but simple breathing and silence is a good place to start, if only for a minute or so the first thing in the morning before we do any of our daily tasks and routines. You will be amazed how much simply meditating on a regular basis will impact your ability to overcome everyday defensiveness, even if that’s the only thing you ever do to improve this area of your life.
But this post isn’t about simply meditating, or about doing just one thing, which is why we’ll move onto to the next task, which refers back to quotation above about love. But the Monkey and I wanted to focus on meditation for a moment, because it is so essential to gain awareness before we can unlock the riches of this action, because without awareness we will be unable to even recognize our opportunity to love that moments of challenge are calling upon us to do.
A recurring theme in the lives of us dedicated to personal growth is that of the “call to action.” For those of us of on the path of growth, all situations and events are neither positive or negative. Instead, each event we encounter in our lives is a call to action, a summoning by the divine or the universe or the universal consciousness or fate (whatever verbiage suits your personal belief system) to raise our consciousness to the next level.
Viewed in this light, calamity and hardship are no longer treacherous, scary, or tedious encounters, but are instead divine opportunities for growth. But how do we know what the message is? How do we know how to react when we are challenged or triggered by a situation or an encounter with a stranger or a loved one? This is why going back to the message at the beginning of this post is so powerful, that in order to divine the reasoning behind our challenges and find the strength and direction to respond, we must: “Do what love is asking of us in this moment.”
This is where we learn that life is not about vindication or being right or pointing out the faults of others. The essence of healthy living is to break down each moment and simply do what love is asking of us. Your spouse on your back about being late home from work? Love asking you to hear their concern, and possibly redefine your relationship to work. A stranger driving erratically? Love asking you to slow down, back away. A customer complaining or treating you with disrespect? Love asking you to bless them and find a new way to serve them. A loved one behaving in a way that seems devoid of love? An opportunity for you to find something new and different to love in them.
This exercise is by no means easy, but know this: those of us who are the most challenged by defensiveness are the most blessed with opportunities to grow and expand our love. In other words, those of us who face the challenges of defensiveness on a daily basis perhaps have the most to offer the world, so long as we dedicate our lives to simple principle of doing what love is asking of us in this moment.
The Monkey @ December 27, 2008
Fire Zorn? Bench Campbell for Brennan? What’s Wrong With the Redskins?
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After starting the first half of the 2008 NFL season 6-2, the Washington Redskins are now facing three “must-win” games if they want to manifest an outside shot at making the playoffs as the number #2 Wild Card team in the National Football Conference. This “bladerunning” status is nothing new for them, as they closed out last season on a five-game winning streak on the shoulders of stand-in QB Todd Collins to nab the second Wild Card slot in an unlikely fashion. Their playoff run following the 2005 season was capped off with a virtually identical five-game winning streak as well. So if history is any indicator, they are up to the task that they currently face. But their historical knack for finishing strong when all bets are off doesn’t take away from the frustration that the fan base and the team itself must experience as they just can’t seem to establish any sort of dominance in the league, especially in their offensive game of late.
But let’s call a spade a spade, the Washington Redskins are not among the NFL’s elite, despite the spending habits and ambitions of their owner, Daniel Snyder. The Skins haven’t been a powerhouse by any stretch of the imagination or at the very least garnered more than modest respect as a defensive stalwart since their last Superbowl seasons during the previous century.
And let’s look back as recently to the beginning of the current 2008 season. As inaccurate as pre-season “Power Rankings” or predictions often turn out to be, the Redskins were ranked #16, right in the middle of the pack of the NFL, before the season began, according to ESPN.com’s Power Rankings. So, to say the Redskins are failing to live up to expectations (outside of the players, coaches, and ownership’s expectations) might be a bit of an overstatement, no? Looking at the same list of preseason predictions, it is arguable that teams like the Chargers, Jags, Packers, Seahawks, and Browns, are vastly more disappointing than a team under a new offensive system and head coach like the Redskins that no one really expected to compete very well in the first place.
And yet, Redskins loyalists are still up in arms about the current state of the franchise and their slim playoff hopes and are pointing fingers in every direction and want some answers now about how to fix the problem.
In the context of the NFL, “fixing” problems usually involves firing or benching somebody, so let’s take a look at some likely candidates of fan ire.
1. Jim Zorn, Rookie Head Coach. Here’s a guy who came to D.C. with a resume touting an excellent career as a franchise quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks back in the day, and a fine record as a quarterbacks coach of the same team, widely regarding as the architect behind Matt Hasselbeck’s recent rise to prominence as one of the NFL’s elite passers. But his resume stops there. No offensive coordinator experience and obviously no experience in one of the most difficult and stressful jobs in all of professional sports, that of a head coach. Throw in the fact that he’s also calling plays, a function the majority of head coaches in the NFL relegate to their coordinators, it would be safe to assume that Mr. Zorn’s plate is full both during games and during practice weeks.
How good can we reasonably expect a coach with absolutely zero experience in the current capacity to be, while competing in one of the leagues toughest’s conferences, as a follow-up act to a legend head coach who already can lay claim to a bronze bust of his likeness in Canton (who himself performed marginally well in his reprise outing on the Skins sidelines)? The fact that Zorn has been competitive in at least 7 games this season and still has an outside shot at making the playoffs in his first year are sound accomplishments in their own right, but obviously not sound enough within the context of the “win now” mindset of the NFL. It is rare that rookie head coaches are instantly successful, and it is unfortunate for Zorn that he had to enter the league with John Harbaugh, Tony Sparano, and Mike Smith, who exceeding expectations in unprecendented ways for their respective ball clubs in Baltimore, Atlanta, and Miami. If you think Zorn is under the gun right now, think of how high expectations will be in the aforementioned cities when next season begins.
Could it be then, that Dan Snyder might actually be thinking of firing Zorn after just one season? Well, there is already talk of Bill Cowher coming to D.C., and while any owner in his right mind would be foolish to dismiss the notion of one of the modern game’s finest head coaches taking over their franchise, not all change is necessarily good. Firing Zorn would reflect poorly on one person: Daniel Snyder. It would reveal that his gamble was just that, a gamble, and not an informed consideration for the sustained well-being of his franchise. And while Snyder certainly wouldn’t get fired himself for tarnishing his already damaged reputation, he would be sending negative waves of energy through his entire organization that would take years to overcome, even with Cowher at the helm. This team doesn’t need more change, it needs more consistency.
The solution: Outside of buidling profitability, an owner’s responsibility is to give an organization the tools to be successful. Part of that involves giving the head coach the space to operate and time to accomplish his master plan. Taking into account the NFL draft and internal player development, it is sheer fantastical thinking to conclude that a coach can be successful in only one season. Clearly there are exceptions to the norm, but the Redskins have to overcome a new legacy of mediocrity. The 21st Century Skins are not the Skins of yesteryear. They are losing connection to their dominance and relevance of the 80’s and early 90’s and now embrace a culture of unmet expectations, irratic coaching changes, and misfires in the player acquistion department. The more removed uber-fan Dan Snyder is from the day-to-day operations of the team, the better. If Cowher is to be considered for any job within the Redskins organization, my suggestion is for him (or another GM candidate) to assume a Bill Parcells-esque position in upper management, providing counsel, leadership, and guidance to a team desperately in need of direction and identiry. Would that involve a potential power struggle between him and Zorn? Perhaps, which is why I’d rather see the Redskins acquire a top-notch GM in the vein of Indy’s Bill Polian, or the Pats’ Scott Pioli. Success is hard to come by without a vision or leadership, and right now the Skins need a master plan, the courage to stick to it, and the time to put the plan into action.
2. The Quarterback: Jason Campbell or Colt Brennan?
Fans of rookie QB Colt Brennan LOVE the guy so it’s no wonder that people want to see if his style of play will work in the NFL and are growing frustrated with the lackluster play of Jason Campbell, who is on the verge of completing his first full NFL season as a starter. Clearly Todd Collins, while magnificent in four starts to conclude last season’s playoff run, is not the future of the franchise, so I don’t think there should be consideration of whether or not he take the reigns from Campbell. If the Redskins lose their game in Cincinnatti, the season will be officially over and it shouldn’t be beyond the scope of imagination to sit Campbell in favor of Brennan, just to see what his stuff looks like against NFL starters in gametime situations. Brennan looked great in this year’s preseason, but let’s not forget he was up against scrubs and no names. The last time Colt Brennan took the field against quality opppostion he checked in for one the worst performances in his storied career in a blowout loss to Georgia in last year’s Sugar Bowl.
That being said, Jason Campbell is getting killed in terms of protection and currently has been sacked 34 times, fifth most in the league. How much of this is due to poor play from his offensive line, and how much due to poor decision-making and lack of mobility? Without access to game tapes, I can’t render a judgment as to how often Campbell holds onto the ball too long and fails to see open receivers before being sacked, but judging by the speed at which opposition rushers enter the pocket on a consistent basis, I would say that the fault lies more with the offensive line than on the shoulders of Jason. Now his mobility is another issue entirely and while under pressure he consistently gets run down by 300 pound defensive linemen, so he adds nothing special on that dimension of the game. One quality that makes QB’s like Romo, Roethlisberger, and Drew Brees special is their ability to buy time and make plays even when protection breaks down. Jason Campbell demonstrates marginal decision-making, virtually no mobility, and questionable timing and accuracy. This three-game stretch will measure his leadership, as he has never been in this position in the NFL. He seems like a nice guy, but unfortunately being nice a leader doesn’t necessarily make, and this Skins are in dire need of focused leadership at this juncture. Of utmost importance in this off-season should be the acquisition of excellent offensive linemen, both through the draft and perhaps free-agency. If Campbell loses another game, I would give Brennan and Collins starts to better gauge the quality of the QB inventory currently on hand, in order to guide other player moves in the off-season.
3. Acquire A Possession Receiver
As much as I believe the Skin’s 2009 Draft focus should be on offensive and then defensive linemen, they still desperately need a large possession receiver who can execute the slants and routes that go along with the West Coast offense. Antwaan Randle El and Santana Moss have been basically non-factors this entire season and it is virtually impossible to achieve success in the NFL without a franchise receiver.
The problems of the Skins are many and varied but can summed up as follows:
1) They need to change the culture of mediocrity into a culture of winning. This doesn’t mean firing somebody, this means putting into place a master plan and claiming a new identity (i.e. new uniforms).
2) They need to focus on the line of scrimmage. It is rare for a team with superior line play to suck and even Joe Montana would look like Ryan Leaf without proper protection.
3) They need to realistically measure the quality at the quarterback position. If Campbell fails against arguably one of the worst teams in the NFL, the Redskins should immediately switch gears into assessment and planning mode for the next campaign.
4) Did I mention the Redskins need a uniform overhaul?
The Monkey @ December 14, 2008
12 Simple Steps to Everyday Happiness
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Photo by: Robert Owen-Wahl
A few months ago I was in a really good space with my job, my relationship, my finances, my family. Satisfied with the direction my life was heading, I took a look around at my life and my habits and decided to draw a connection between my daily habits and the results I was enjoying. This may sound elementary, but too often have I noticed that when things aren’t going too smoothly in my life, many times I don’t seem to be engaging in the same daily positive habits I was doing when things were going well. Now, I am not entirely certain about which comes first: the habits or the results, but I suspect the connection between our actions and the results we experience is something akin to the timeless question of the “chicken and the egg,” in which action and result fuel each other in an endless spinning escapade like the dragon Jormungandr chasing its tail around the entire earth.
That being said, I felt it important to codify and reflect upon some of the fundamental habits I have observed during times of good, as much as a guide for myself to remember and with which to re-orient my path, as it is an offering to my readers to assist them on their journey towards a more productive and fulfilling life.
Without further ado:
12 Steps to Everyday Happiness
1. Remember to Breathe Everyday. This can be in a focused setting accompanying meditation and/or prayer, or it can be simply be accomplished while driving the car, walking, or knocking out a routine task like washing the dishes. When we become aware of our breath do we suddenly realize how seldom we truly take in long, sustained, and full breaths. As our breath is the medium for the inflow and outflow of all life and spirit, it makes sense that the cornerstone of any positive action and results in our life experience begins and ends with breath. Even one focused and sustained breath brings enormous benefits, so it’s not like we have to have some quiet meditation space and 30 minutes of private time to accomplish this absolutely essential function of life.
2. Connect to Silence Everyday. When we become more aware of our present moment do we sometimes painfully realize how overstimulated we are especially within the context of sound. Next time you’re watching TV, take note of how much louder the commercials are than the show you are viewing. During your morning commute, make a mental note of how loud the radio is and observe the caucophony of extraneous noises that often accompany morning talk shows. Only in silence are we truly able to connect to all that we are within the context of our surroundings. Only in silence are we able to connect to literally the only thing in this existence that we can ever have or be a part of: the present moment. External silence also reveals the maelstrom of internal sounds within our Monkey Minds, that we often go on completely unaware of, thinking that it is “us” that is doing the thinking and decision making, when in reality it’s the external/internal persona we call the ego that is running endless commentary within our brains. Only when we silence the Monkey, can we live a better life. Begin with literally five seconds of absolute silence and observe the miracles unfold.
3. Move Your Body Everyday. While we are in truth spiritual beings housed in physical form, our bodies are an important connector to happiness and serenity. It is with our body that we are given the tools and the means by which to experience the material gifts this life experience has to offer. In addition, our bodies are the “Temple” and vehicle for our spirit and hence the physical expression of what is going on within. So it would make sense to keep this chariot in working order, so as to ensure that our spirit can do its work in the external world without impediment. One way to do this is through the simple act of movement. The word “emotion” contains the word “motion,” and hence the most surefire way to alter our mood is to simply move our body. The good news is that we don’t have to run a marathon to derive benefit. If all we’re able to do for the say is reach down and touch our toes, then we’ve fulfilled the day’s requirement for physical activity. The point is to simply begin somewhere. Fortunately the Universal Law of Momentum states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Move your body everyday and watch where it leads you.
4. Take Care of Your Temple Everyday. We talked about the body as the Temple of the Spirit in the previous step and moving our body certainly falls under the category of caring for our Temple. The other component of caring for our Temple involves self care and “body care.” This includes mundane things like keeping our hands and face clean, brushing and flossing our teeth, using oils to sooth our skin, and general hygiene. This also extends out to our other Temple, our home, and doing small things everyday to maintain our sacred space. Only have time to do one thing? Put into place the simple practice of making your bed everyday, and observe the feelings of serenity you experience to return home at the end of the day to tidy bedroom. Or how about making a commitment to put your dishes in the sink or dishwasher after every meal? What about choosing to line your shoes up neatly near the front door? The key to success here is to just begin with one simple thing that is not difficult and doesn’t take much time. You will be amazed how the habit expands with time.
5. Focus on Your Dreams Everyday. When I was in the military, I amazed how easy it was to lose your way while conducting land navigation. Armed with an azimuth and pace count, it was always striking to me how enough small obstacles over time could throw me off track. The only way to deal with this is constantly re-orient one’s self, using a map and visual cues derived from terrain analysis. Much is the same in life. We have a dream or a goal, but enough small (and large) obstacles throughout the course of daily life can completely throw us off track to the point in which we don’t even know what we’re striving for anymore. I find it such a useful tool to frequently ask myself what it truly is that I am seeking so I can ask the follow up question of whether or not my current actions and habits will deliver me to my goal. Case in point: about a year ago I received a promotion in my previous job, with a substantial jump in pay and responsibility. What came with that promotion was a pretty hectic travel cycle that would have prevented me from spending much quality time with my family or working on any of my personal goals like building this blog or the website I run with my wife, www.organicgreenmommy.com. I made the decision to turn down the offer and accept another position at a different company that required less travel but offered less of a guaranteed compensation package. Over the course of the year, from time to time My Monkey Mind has caused me to question that decision, especially when circumstances erode my confidence in my compensation or in the quality of my resume. This exercise of re-focusing on my dreams is so vital because when I do this, I realize that I in fact made the correct decision and wouldn’t be able to engage in any of my “outside pursuits” to the degree that I would like if I had the bigger job title and responsibilities. It was just my ego, my Monkey Mind, telling me that I might have made a mistake. If we are in touch with our dreams on a daily basis, then we are able to constantly re-focus our daily habits, consciously and subconsiously, in order to accomplish our goals.
6. Focus on the People You Love Everyday. While we may or may not have that “special someone” in our life, most of us can say that we have people, whether they’re family or friends, to whom we can attribute the emotion love. I am blessed to be married, be the father of a daughter, and to have two living parents, so I have many people that I love and from whom I experience love in return. Connecting to the people we love often provides meaning and context for our life experience. It also allows us to step outside of the prison of the Monkey Mind and engage ourselves in activities that are selfless or in the very least, less self-absorbed. For me, love of my family helps me to remember why I work sometimes long and hard hours to provide financial security, on occasion doing things that are on the surface unsavory. Love fuels service with joy. But let’s not forget the importance of connecting to that other person we love: ourselves. By connecting to ourselves and loving ourselves through the actions of Steps 1-5, we enliven our spirits and make ourselves more fit to serve the world and the people we love. We can’t love another without self-love, and being kind and gentle to ourselves is a fundamental way to express love for ourselves. From there, it can do nothing besides spring forth towards others.
7. Plan Your Day and Live Your Plan Everyday. There are a million ways to plan the hours of our day, but one thing’s for certain, without a plan we are heading no where. The important thing is that a plan doesn’t have to be complicated or map out every hour of the day. In fact, the more simple our plan is, especially in the early going, the more direct positive results we will experience. Broad brush strokes are fine and encouraged, like: today I will call these two people and make dinner for my spouse when I get home. Simple. Tenable. As we forward, we can add on, and codify methods for tracking and adhering to our plan.
8. Embrace Rest, Recovery, and Relaxation Everyday. We all know the benefits of a good night’s sleep but many of us can’t seem to get to bed on time or have to wake up at odd hours due to our obligations. Beyond actual sleeping, restful and relaxing activitiy is just as important and vastly less time is required. Despite modern inventions and conveniences, this society is more on the go than ever, and having PDA’s and iPhone within an arms reach at every moment of the day isn’t always beneficial. Relaxation may involve five minutes sitting in the car in silence before entering the home at the end of a long day. It might be the daily practice of engaging some kind of hobby or reading a book, even if it’s just a page or two. Proper relaxation invigorates us, so it is likely that watching TV won’t do the trick. A few minutes of being present and enjoying the view from your favorite easy chair, or a warm bath or shower, or a full shivanasana spread out on your living room floor will go a long way towards enriching your life and preparing you for the challenges ahead.
9. Seek Growth and Consciousness Everyday. This might be the formal practice of meditation, but it could also mean reserving a few moments to contemplate a “thought for the day,” read a personal development blog or book, or simply to be always vigilant for growth opportunities within the context of your daily interactions with friends, lovers, co-workers, and strangers. Know this: we are here to grow and are always growing, either in positive directions or negative directions. Chances are that difficult circumstances or obstacles are simply opportuntiies for growth masquerading as turmoil. Careful application of the previous 8 steps will make you more aware of these opportunities, allowing you to see beyond the beguiling illusion of our external world.
10. Create a Little Something Everyday. Some of us are overtly creative: aspiring artists, writers, and musicians, while the rest of us are reluctantly creative, dismissing the notion that we have the ability to create something of value and consequence in the world. The key here is that we are all creative, whether we use that aspect of ourselves or not, and in fact it is the creative force that is inherent within our human DNA. Look around at the external world and you will see that 100% of it was created by somebody or something. Creation is as natural as breathing, yet we stifle creative force as often as we stifle our yearning to simply breathe. Through creation can we express our very existence and relevance within the external and internal worlds. Large or small, creation is the expression of humanness in its raw or most elegant form and it is our duty to ourselves and the nature of our being to constantly seek to express creative energy. For some of us, this expression will be easier than it is for others. Call yourself a writer? Write something everyday. A musician or singer? Play or sing at least once a day. If you don’t know what you “are,” you can begin by writing one paragraph per morning, as writing is the cornerstone of nearly all creation. The act of writing will lead you to what your creative expression will be. The important thing is to do it regularly and it just makes is more simple to do it everyday. And remember, writing an email to customer doesn’t count, unless the content of that message is the expression of a creative idea as opposed to simply a means of communicating a message. While creation is communication, not all communication is creation. Creation expresses feelings and creation inspires further creation. It’s that simple.
11. Listen to Music Everyday. Little else inspires creation and love like music. Sadly many of us abandon the joys of music as we grow older, and instead listen to talk radio or books on tape in our cars, or gab endlessly on the phone. Hearing music and exploring new music is a pathway to memory, to the present moment, and to creation. Personally I like to listen to many different kinds of music, depending upon my current mood or desired mood. This was a lot easier when I installed a Sirius Satellite Radio in my car, as I now never have to worry about losing reception on my favorite stations or being bombarded by radio advertising in between overplayed hits.
12. Do All of this With Joy and Gratitude Everyday. The key to happiness is appreciating the present because that’s all we have. Focusing on what we don’t want scares or distracts us, only calls up more of the same. The surest way to achieve sustained happiness is through the path of gratitude. Only by appreciating our gifts are we able to bestow gifts upon others and the world. Even the most desitute of us has at least one thing to be grateful for, and it might just be the simple ability to comprehend that idea, although we might fail at putting it into practice. An attitude of gratitude springs forth riches too numerous or magnificent to put into words.
Breathe, Connect to Silence, Move, Take Care of Yourself & Your Home, Dream, Love, Plan, Rest, Grow, Create, and do these things with song, joy, and gratitude; the many miracles of life will unfold for you and it can all be yours today.
The Monkey @ December 13, 2008
The Dark Night of the Soul: Don’t Quit Before the Miracle Happens
Posted in: Law of Attraction | Comments (0)
Photo by: Jenny Rollo
Last week I was out on the road visiting a customer in the middle of Massachusetts. By the time I reached her, the sky had darkened into evening and a chill was in the air. The town was nothing more than a few intersecting streets lined with buildings and a smattering of desperate looking shops. This particular customer is by no means a big player in my portfolio, but with business as it was, I was making sure to stop in and see everybody in an attempt to drum up as much business as possible at the tail end of what was turning out to be a record slow month.
Walking in, we exchanged pleasantries and I asked her how business was. She didn’t complain, but she clearly stated that things were slow. A bit scary. Wondering how she’d be able to pay the rent. I told her I knew exactly what she was talking about as my sales were in the dumps as well and I too wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pay my bills with the paltry commission I would be making that month.
She was putting on some kind of open house that weekend in an attempt to drive some customers in and I pledged to give her some samples to hand out, so I made my way back out to the car to gather together a goodie bag of things for her. Walking out to the car, I became mad at myself for commiserating with her. I knew better than to focus on the negative things in my space of perception. I knew better than to focus on the things I didn’t want. I knew that in so doing, I would only be inviting more of the same, which would result in even more misery. Here I was, the same guy who just a few weeks ago had written a post about the Power of Positive Thinking, giving examples of the incredible results I had been able to achieve in an incredibly short period of time, now suddenly completely victimized by the Monkey in My Mind telling me that I was now suddenly doomed to failure.
Then I had a brilliant realization. I remembered back when I was in US Army Ranger school: wintertime, up in the mountains of Dahlonega, Georgia, and the misery me and my fellow Ranger buddies would all feel whenever it rained and we w